Mex To The Max

I Hate Everything.

2009-02-05T10:00:00.003-05:00

Why is it that when people get married or pregnant we're supposed to buy them gifts? I know there was a whole Sex and the City episode about this and really it was the principle of people thanking other people for staying single and childless. And while I believe in that rant, mine has to do more with the assumption that I want to congratulate people on these happenings.

A) Do I think we need more children wandering this world? Not really. There are lots of kids wandering around needing homes. I understand the human instinct and need/want for children of their own (must carry on the family genes!), but again, the Earth is over populated as it is.

B) This was a decision you made on your own. Why must I supply you with the necessary tools to do this? And that's being nice. Have you seen what people register for these days? If the world had come together and said, "You. You two will be having a baby, whether you like it or not." Then I can understand outfitting this little creature with all the amenities of the parents desire. There's already a system in place where I get no say about forking over my money to people who have children who can't support them; it's called welfare.

And I'm done.

And They Decided to Rename her "Libby."

2008-10-15T17:27:00.006-04:00

Update to the previous post regarding Shelly.

Shelly has made a quick and full recovery from her injuries! Hooray for puppy antibiotics and pain killers!

Shelly was also adopted by a wonderful family who has two other dogs and have (in the 4 days she has lived with them) spoiled her absolutely rotten! We all knew it was a perfect match when her new owners picked her up, starting rubbing her back and she fell asleep.

In regards to her siblings, this is what we found out: All in all there were 9 pups in the litter (and, just FYI, no they did not have a litter permit). Two puppies died shortly after birth, leaving 7. One was adopted by another neighbor, which makes 6. Shelly was saved which left 5. One was sold to another neighbor leaving 4. Three were stealthily (and law-abidingly so) taken by an animal rescue group which left the one which the owner refused to give up. I am aware the district attorney was involved and legal proceedings have begun against the family. A few of the later rescued puppies were not in the best of health and since their removal on Saturday evening, we have not been updated on their status.

Wilson and I are extremely grateful to all those who expressed their anger, disgust, interest and energy in our quest to get these animals to a safer location. Thanks to those who put the word out looking for new parents for little Shelly. Her new family loves her to no ends and in her Liberation, have rightfully so, renamed her.

And I Decided to Call Her 'Shelly.'

2008-10-06T00:05:00.006-04:00

Saturday afternoon a good friend/neighbor called to ask for help with a puppy she took from another neighbor. Wilson and I made our way back from shopping and found this cute little thing being coddled by the friend/neighbor:

She was scared and shaky and listless and clinging on to life. Mostly because she also came with this (WARNING: Potentially disturbing photo):

And this:

We don't know exactly what happened, and this photo is the cleaned up mess. We spent about 4 hours at the Animal Emergency Center where, thankfully, she had no broken bones, no major infections and was overall in good general health. The friend/neighbor rescued her from the house across the street after she heard her crying all day. We're all just a little bit concerned about the fact that there are four or five other pups out there. Even more concerning is the thought that maybe they were using poor little rescued pup as a punching bag.

So, we've done the rescuing, the medicating, the feeding and now we need to find the housing. We're all hoping she makes a speedy recovery and she will find a good home. Which is where you, good reader, come in. Please, please, please make some calls, send some emails - this little puppy needs a home. A quiet home where she can recover and be loved.

She's about 8 weeks old, a boxer/lab mix and currently in an e-collar while she recovers.

Here's one more pic, just for cuteness' sake:

The Best Laid Plans

2008-10-05T23:56:00.004-04:00

Seriously, this was my plan for the weekend -

Spend Friday night in Las Cruces so I could ..
...Go to the Aggie game on Saturday afternoon.

Then drive home, do some clothes shopping and catch up on the laundry which was backed up since Wednesday.

This is actually what happened:

Came home Friday, had a quick dinner, went to coffee with Wilson.
Woke up Saturday morning, saw Wilson off to the doctor.
The doctor didn't work out so we went to the outlets.
Spent entirely too much time and money, but found some kick ass shoes.
Got a call from a neighbor and..
...rescued a dog.
Spent several hours at the animal emergency room.
Lost my wallet and went to bed about 1:00 a.m.

Woke up Sunday morning.
Attempted to watch Superbad, but had a superbad DVD (thanks Netflix!)
Found my wallet.
Went to Wal-Mart.
Ate Chinese food.
Went back to the vet for more puppy meds.
Came home.
Baked a loaf of bread.
Ate a loaf of bread.
And finally did some laundry...

Now it's Army Wives, purging the closet and maybe bedtime.

A Collective Middle Finger to Society

2008-09-17T01:51:00.002-04:00

Today's story involves a man in a beat up white ford taurus trying to merge from the left lane into the right lane (where I was) when there was literally two feet in between my front bumper and the mudflaps of a semi-trailer. His response to my honking in order to get his attention and divert his fiberglass front end from meeting my left headlight - the middle finger.

Approximately 2 minutes later, he zips past me honking and again waving his finger and then waving good-bye ... he's so polite!

Just for clarification - The reason I did not let you merge (because I believe he is reading this right now) was not because I was so egotistical that I could not stand to be one more car away from being home, but because I feared my insurance rates climbing due to the collision that was to ensue. Thanks old ford taurus driver! I hope you feel better.

Part two involves my neighbor across the street asking me to help her move her fridge and stove to her new house at 7 and then never showing up.

Thanks across the street neighbor!

The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American v2

2008-08-21T19:16:00.002-04:00

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

My Night Getting Drunk With El Paso County Sheriff's Deputy Recruits (Or A Community Service Opportunity I Never Knew Existed)

2008-08-03T11:39:00.003-04:00

So around noon time on Saturday Wilson came home and told me he needed to go to the Law Enforcement Annex to get drunk.

Verbally, I was like - "Cool."

Mentally, I was like - "WTF?"

My mental state soon caught up with my verbal state - "What the fuck?!"

So it turns out, when police academy cadets get to the portion of their course that involves sobriety tests, the El Paso County Sheriff's department prefers their cadets to experience the real thing (without the driving part). The county looks for volunteers to hang out for 5 hours, drink, socialize, eat, watch movies, play cards and OH YEAH - GET DRUNK! Our group is comprised of myself, Wilson (who was the control subject/my designated driver so he didn't drink alcohol), three friends of the cadets and one mother of the cadets. Awesome. "Hey mom, will you come get drunk for me?"

Of course, it's a controlled environment - first you sign a waiver. "Yes, I know I will be consuming alcohol." "Yes, I know I will be performing various tasks while intoxicated." "No, I will not drive." "No, I will not hit on the cadets..." Well, I added that last one because well, it's me, for one, and it's alcohol, for two and Wilson is there, for three.

Second you get weighed. This is where I take the opportunity to fall off the scale. Yes, I put one foot on the scale too close to the edge, it tipped up, I stumbled off. I didn't end up on the floor, but it did result in me saying, "No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight." Your weight will determine how much you will consume that night, so I'm either in big trouble or I'm going to have a boring night.

Part #3 then involves you blowing into a BAC machine. This is where I redeem myself! I can prove there is no alcohol in my system! Until I try and open my "party favor" (AKA a plastic mouth piece to blow in the machine) and it flies across the room!

No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight. I blow a .000! Redemption!! Except now everyone is just looking at me like I'm a biiiiiig Re-Re.

Next comes the part where we get to drink!

"What will you have sir?"

"Well, you're the most polite bartender I've ever encountered."

[Internal monologue: Quit hitting on the officers!]

So I choose to drink Jim Beam and Coke. My other options were Sprite, Orange Juice, Water and on the alcohol side we had Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and Tequila. I was really hoping someone would go for tequila. Maybe someone would puke! But no, everyone punked out.

So I get my drink and proceed to trip over my own shoe. I don't fall, but again - No officer, I only have a drink in my hand, I have not had anything to drink.

So the rules are: 2 drinks in 1 hour. Then we get to have some munchies and then we have 2 more drinks in 45 minutes. Our time begins - start drinking!

Drink.
Drink.
Drink.

I immediately begin walking better. What does this say about me?

I also broke the seal waaaay too early.

We take a BAC reading again after two drinks, then again after 4. After the 4th drink they take us out to the hallway where a series of cadets will perform their sobriety tests.

Sir please follow my finger with your eyes and your eyes only.

Sir, your eyes only.

Sir, don't move your head.

Sir, keep your head still.

OK, moving on. Sir please place your the heel of your right foot in front of the toe of your left foot. You're going to walk a straight line for nine steps, turn around and walk nine back. Please keep your hands at your side at all times. Do you understand?

Nine steps, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.

Yes! I did it. Oh, I was supposed to keep my hands at my side? Hrmph.

OK, sir, next you will be lifting one foot off the ground about six inches. Keeping your foot parallel to the ground count in this fashion, "One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, and so-on." Please keep your hands at your side at al times. Do you understand?

Six inches, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four...Sir, your arms.
Five...

Yeah, sir, you're arrested.

We proceed to repeat the exercises three more times with different cadets, each time I fail worse than before!

After that learning experience we go into the classroom with the cadets assess whether or not they would arrest us, we learn our BACs and the cadets get a good laugh because, come on, we're still drunky drunks making jokes in the back of the classroom.

Turns out my highest BAC was a .062 and while that is below the legal limit for intoxication in Texas, I still would have been arrested because (surprise, surprise) I like to flail my arms about while performing simple movement tasks.

Overall, it was a positive learning experience. The cadets got to practice their field sobriety tests in a close to real life experience (it's actually quite challenging to administer these tests to someone who is more interested in how shiny someone's boots are), they learned more about body weight and alcohol consumption and HELLO - I got free drinks and doritos.

Here's my PSA moment - please volunteer to assist your local PD or Sheriff's office with these exercises. It's your tax money buying the drinks. It's valuable experience for the cadets and helps them get Drunky McDrunkerson off the roads. Even if you don't drink, you can volunteer - it's also valuable for them to train on sober individuals (yes, sometimes sober drivers get pulled over). Miraculously enough, they usually have trouble finding volunteers.

For those of you in the El Paso area, the El Paso Police Department will be conducting their Field Sobriety Training on Saturday, August 16th. Contact me if you want to participate.

The end.

Now, That's What I Call Advising

2008-07-21T13:43:00.002-04:00

Daniel: So, I told the student, come back to my office and we can talk about what you can do with a specific major.

Lizzette (obsessed with military men): I'll show you what you can do with a Major.

Overheard at lunch.

The Restraining Order is On Its Way

2008-07-13T12:18:00.002-04:00

Melissa intently sending herself a text on Daniel's phone.

[2 seconds pass]

Melissa's phone notifies here she has a text message.

Melissa reading text message with look of disgust on her face: Oh my God, Daniel, quit texting me!

Overheard in Rosie's living room.

Triage Me Now!

2008-06-09T22:55:00.005-04:00

Saturday morning: I stub my left pinky toe on the foot of the bed. I curse (as per usual) and proceed to go about my day.

Later Saturday morning: Bruno, the lug, that he is, in a fit to see what I am looking at through the window, tromps (if that's not a word, I don't care, it is apropos) on the toe I stubbed on the foot of the bed Saturday morning.

Saturday midday: Wilson and I meet Mike at PetSmart on Yarbrough to look at a dog we might adopt.

Later Saturday midday: Wilson and I and Mike go to the Animal Control Center because the dogs at PetSmart were not what we were looking for. We find a cute little Shepherd/Hound mix.

Saturday afternoon: Wilson and I and Mike go to the PetSmart on the West Side to see if they have any puppies. No puppies there so we decide to go eat at Super China Buffet.

Later Saturday afternoon: Wilson and I and Mike go back to the Animal Control Center to adopt the cute little Shepherd/Hound mix.

Early Saturday evening: Wilson and I and Mike go back to the house in Horizon City where I take off my shoe. My toe is about double its original size and the color of a ripe cherry. I decided that I should probably remove my toe ring.

Saturday night: We decide to take me to Hospital to see if my toe is broken as I'm finding ever more difficult to walk and can't bend my toe.

Later Saturday night: We're at the hospital.

Later later Saturday night: We're still at the hospital.

Early Sunday morning: We're still at the hospital.

Later early Sunday morning; I finally get to an exam room.

Slightly later early Sunday morning: I get up to go pee.

30 seconds later than slightly later early Sunday morning: The doctor comes to my exam room.

20 minutes after the 30 seconds later than slightly later early Sunday morning: The doctor comes to my room to tell me that my toe isn't broken, I should stay off of it and gives me a prescription for Vicodin.

15 minutes after that, I pay my $100 copay and am wheeled out of the hospital (Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!)

2:30 A.M. I scarf down a #6 combo from Wendy's and go to bed.

All in all, I guess it's a good thing that I got it checked out. I got to go to the brand spanking new hospital in El Paso and can now tell people that the service there sucks.

Waxing Nostailgic

2008-06-01T21:13:00.004-04:00

In an effort to avoid A) the 104 degree temperature outside and the B) oppressive pile of laundry I'm choosing to ignore, I decided to reactivate my Facebook account.

To be honest, I got the Facebook bug when I had lunch with my dear friend Angie on Wednesday. Or Thursday. I totally don't remember when it was. I do remember I enjoyed our time thoroughly and I had a yummy pizza at Ardovino's. Flash forward to Sunday and here I am, writing a blog about how I just reactivated my Facebook account. I thought I would have to start from scratch but when I tried to create a new account I was reminded, in a quick flash of "nothing dies on the internet," that my old profile was archived and I could reactivate it. I did and was greeted with my old page (cosmetically new) but right where I left it. It was an eery culturally anthropological view into my life in 2006. I was at Dartmouth, I was 28 and according to the umpteen "Happy Birthday" wishes on my wall, I had just had a birthday.

Either way it was just a weird thing to experience on a random Sunday in June. I'm looking forward to all the time I don't have but will spend catching up on stalking everyone with whom I used to be familiar and then feeling satisfied that I have a current relationship with those people based on the fact that I read their news feed.

Happy Summer, bitches!

The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American

2008-03-18T10:14:00.002-04:00

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

And Darling, It Looks Fabulous!

2008-03-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

Daniel talking intently with Kevin: Really?

Melissa: Hey! I'm part of this conversation too!

Daniel: But he's prettier.

Melissa: But, I cut my hair...

Overheard in Rosie's kitchen.

Our Hypocritical Country

2008-03-14T10:28:00.000-04:00

In this episode:

The wonderment surrounding why this endorement didn't rock the boat:

McCain Receives Hagee Endorsement

Yet, these consume the media for days:

Louis Farrakhan backs Obama...
What Should Obama Do About Wright?
Geraldine Ferraro Let's Her Emotions Do the Talking

Is it just the news I'm watching? Clue me in, please!

Our Hypocritical Country

2008-03-11T11:14:00.000-04:00

In this episode:

Why this is illegal and blasted to the front of the news for almost a week:

Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring (From March 10)

Yet, this is kept legal, practiced and essentially ignored:

Bush vetoes bill banning waterboarding (From March 8)

Discuss.

Random Ass Wednesdays v4

2008-03-04T16:22:00.004-05:00

Yeah. It's March.

Location: 31° 40' 24.7512" N, -106° 11' 2.8968" W

The Web Week That Was v3

2008-02-22T09:29:00.000-05:00

Fire Be Damned, I Want My Chico's! -El Paso Times
Sir, You May Have an Alcohol Problem -Las Cruces Sun-News
He Heard There Were No DUI Checkpoints on the Train -Dlisted (via Towleroad)
Some of Barack Obama's Congressional Accomplishments. In Brief -YouTube

At Least You Can Stand By Your Decision

2008-02-21T13:39:00.003-05:00

Ann-Marie: Are you an Obama or Clinton supporter?

Steve: Well, I don't really care as long as one of them wins. But I think I'm more aligned with Obama.

Ann-Marie: Why?

Steve: For the most inappropriate reasons. I think he's charismatic and can inspire people. But I know he has shit for experience.

Overheard in Ann-Marie's Office.

McCain Pulls a John Edwards, Shouts "Look at Me! Look at Me!"

2008-02-21T13:11:00.007-05:00

I've become too cynical regarding politics, I believe.

The New York Times posted a story dated February 21, 2008 regarding possible inproprieties Senator and Presidential hopeful John McCain had with lobbyist Vicki Iseman.

My take:

A) The New York Times already endorsed McCain, they don't really have that strong an interest in dragging his name through the mud.

B) The beginnings of this story started way back in December, prior to the Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primaries. Very interesting that the big blow up didn't happen until after McCain was the true front-runner for the GOP's nomination.

C) Since McCain's status as front-runner has been sealed, he's been receiving a lot less press than his Democratic colleagues. And is it not fishy (if not just a little interesting) that this story breaks on the day of what could be the most important Democratic debate?

I would not think twice if I heard that McCain's camp is just a little bit more responsible for pushing the NYT into publishing this today - considering that now that it has, his face has been plastered on a lot more websites and newsprograms.

Random Ass Wednesdays v3

2008-02-20T15:18:00.005-05:00

Location: 31° 39' 7.4154" N, -106° 16' 2.28" W

That Pie Chart Sure is Purty

2008-02-19T12:56:00.016-05:00

On Monday, the El Paso Times ran a story with the headline "Richard Wiles preferred heavily in race for sheriff." The story led off with this graphic:

Isn't it a pretty picture?! Riddle me this - what does the fine print say? Click here if you can't read it. Here's a summary: 350 likely voters were polled with a +/- 5.5%. Here's what I have to say about that -

1. The 2006 population (estimated) of El Paso county is 736,310. Simple math shows the sample size for this poll was only 0.05% of the entire county.

2. Plus/Minus 5.5% - You've gotta be kidding me!

3. The Reuel Group (the firm responsible for administering the poll) allows users the option of creating customized voter lists, totally negating any type of "random" sample that may occur. Or at least throwing the concept of "random sampling" into a realm open to criticism. And, while I cannot confirm, it is rumored that the group themselves have publicly endorsed Wiles. That stench you smell is what I like to call "conflict of interest."

4. Does anyone else see a problem in polling likely voters as opposed to registered voters? Here's why they have to print it that way - you see, these polls are conducted via automated telephone calls (you know, the type that say "To elect a douchebag, press 1. To come to your senses, press 2.") Yeah, my 2 year old cousin can pick up a phone and press numbers. The methodology also causes one to ask, "Which candidate did they chose to be option 1?"

5. In the body of the story, the Times reports that if you removed the percentage of voters who chose "Don't Know" Wiles would have the support of 56% of the remaining people polled. Do you want to know what that math equals? 145 people which equals 0.02% of the county population. I wouldn't necessarily brag about that.

Let this be a lesson to you folks - pretty pictures don't necessarily make the best things on which to base your opinions. Unless you want to trust a second rate news source. And then you have to remember - you get what you pay for.

In Dreamland v15

2008-02-17T10:12:00.004-05:00

i was a prince in an arranged marriage. as soon as i was crowned king a group attacked the castle. my father (not my real father), the former king would have nothing to do with it so i had to assemble a group of 14 knights to defend the castle.

"Liars Figure, Figures Lie"

2008-02-17T09:33:00.004-05:00

A report in the El Paso Times Sunday reports that overall crime rates in El Paso are down. I'll let you read the article and discern what you wish.

I'll tell you this though (it's a little bit of logic, so turn your brain on): If the EPPD is currently down by a reported 300 officers, wouldn't it stand to prove that there are less officers to take reports resulting in less crimes being reported?

Again, the transitive property rears its ugly head.

The Web Week That Was v2

2008-02-15T18:34:00.003-05:00

Partnership Benefits Legislation Tabled -Las Cruces Sun-News
The Potomac Has Spoken -CNN
Larry Craig Get's a Stern Talkin' To -CNN
Good-bye, Monica Seles -ESPN
Potential Presidential Pardon for Clemens? -Sports Illustrated
Priest Confirmed to be HIV+ -El Paso Times

Lesbians 2, Cops/Soldiers/Firefighters -5.5

2008-02-13T10:03:00.006-05:00

Last night Wilson's keys got locked in his truck. While it was running. At the 7-Eleven.

The clerk called the Fire Department telling us they would jimmy the door open since the truck was running. We called and then proceeded to try to open it ourselves.

An hour, a wire hanger, two store clerks, a security guard, two random passersby, and one cop with the magic device later we managed to open the door. The cop was merely there to provide the tools as the security guard was the one who actually opened the door.

The best part about the whole situation was after we were done we thanked the security guard (who was off duty and just wanted a coke from the store). She replied, "I always stop to help family."

Oh, and as we were pulling out, the fire department showed up.

I heard this song on my way home and had a major 80s flashback. It has nothing to do with anything that happened but made me happy:

Random Ass Wednesdays v2

2008-02-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

random glove

Location: 43 42'12" N 72 17'19" W

42 Examples of How My Dog Doesn't Care That I Have a Sore Throat

2008-02-10T18:27:00.001-05:00

42 cough drops

Yes, those are cough drops. Cough drops that were wrapped in their little paper wrappers. Wrapped in their little paper wrappers sealed in their ziploc bag.

The ziploc bag and the little paper wrappers were no match for my dog and his determination to eat their yummy menthol sugary goodness.

The Web Week That Was

2008-02-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

This week I enjoyed:

Love is The Best Celebration -Gawker
Super Fat Tuesday -CNN
Welcome Home, Soldiers -El Paso Times
TVs and Dishes and Scratched Testicles, Oh My! -Las Cruces Sun-News
Bait & Tackle Got the Ol' Bait & Switch -The Round Up
A New Med School -El Paso Times
No Gays, No Blood -The Daily Free Press (via Towleroad.)
The Rebates are Coming, The Rebates are Coming! -CNN Money

Not Before He Kicks Your Ass

2008-02-08T10:30:00.001-05:00

Alfredo: Where is my mentor today?

Ann-Marie: Daniel?

Alfredo: Yeah.

Ann-Marie: He's out sick.

Alfredo: [deadpan] Is he going to die?

Overheard in Ann-Marie's Office

Random Ass Wednesdays v1

2008-02-06T00:29:00.000-05:00

random glove

A new feature. Every once and a while I run into the most random objects. I used to just focus on gloves, as did Brian over at Lost Glove Chronicles. Then I decided to just focus on random items.

Here's the first glove I ran into a few years back.

Location: 43 42'12" N 72 17'19" W

In Dreamland v14

2008-02-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

wilson and i were running an organization geared toward getting non u.s. citizens prepared for citizenship. we billed it as one stop shopping - we provided language tutoring, driving tests, study guides for the entrance exams and general tutorials on the american culture.

Minor Surgery!

2008-02-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

In an earlier post I talked about having to go to the doctor. I went to the dermatologist yesterday to get this bump on my arm looked at.

This bump has been with me for a little over a year, close to two. At first I thought it was an ingrown hair - the skin around it was sore like an ingrown hair - only when I tried to dig it out I just bled. So I let it be and, eventually, it became painless and I kind of forgot about it.

That is, until about a month ago it became a little discolored. So I figured I would have a professional look at it instead of my friends and co-workers whose only comments on it were, "Huh. You should get that checked out."

So I went in today and had the doc take a look at it. She felt around and irony of all ironies guess what she said ... "huh."

Yeah, never the exact phrase you want to hear from a doctor. The befuddled, puzzled sound of "huh." She even said, "I kind of thought I knew what I was going to be dealing with, but this isn't it." She then tells me I could schedule an appointment for "a little surgery" or we could cut it out today. I was thinking, "a little surgery?" This isn't like the parmesan cheese guy at Olive Garden - "Would you like some cheese?" "A little." No, this is surgery. So I opted for the "cut it out today" option. I didn't want to take the chance that I would convince myself not to go back.

So she gives me a local and proceeds to hack into my arm to retrieve the aforementioned "huh" foreign object. After she took it out she told me it may be a foreign body granuloma. Sounds scarier than it is. Basically some type of foreign body (a piece of glass, a grain of sand) entered my body and in response my body formed this "cyst" around it. I guess I'm pretty thankful for that part as I don't think I would be too fond of a shard of glass floating around my body. Anyway, we're both befuddled as to how it got in there, but it's out now. (To be honest I have some theories, as does Wilson, but we won't get into that now.)

I find out in a week what it actually is. In the meantime I have three stitches to tend to and a what I'm hoping will be a boss scar in the making.

Oh and regarding the discoloration, it was more than likely scar tissue due to the size of the cyst.

My biggest trepidation/stressor at this point, however: pulling the band aid - and my arm hair - off every night.

In Dreamland v13

2008-02-04T17:50:00.001-05:00

in real life i have a bump on my arm i'm getting checked out at the doctor.

in my dream i was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be seen. only it wasn't an office, it my grandmother's back porch. and for some reason she was massaging my legs and found four more of those bumps.

Lurkers, Peepers and Show Offs

2008-02-01T13:26:00.001-05:00

One of the things I find most amusing about pointless blogs like mine is that I'm obsessed with knowing whether or not people actually read it.

So, if you read it - leave a comment!

Think of it this way - if I were an exhibitionist and you were a peeping Tom, I, as the exhibitionist would want to know. By me knowing that you were watching I would be spurned to perform better, therefore you, the peeping Tom, would get a better show.

It's all about motivation really.

Current music: Gregoria talking and laughing in her cubicle across the way.
Music that got me through traffic this morning: Talk To Me, Dance With Me by Hot Hot Heat

In Dreamland v12

2008-01-30T17:49:00.000-05:00

i was at a photo shoot for a group of college students. i really wanted to be in the photo with them, but no other administrators were, so i stayed back. then they needed someone to actually push the button on the camera to take the photo so i volunteered to do that. i was ready to take the picture but we had to stop and wait for a group of athletes to come back from fighting a volcano. while i was waiting i looked out of the window. we were in a high rise and i could see the roller coasters from western playland in the distance only it wasn't really western playland becuase they only have one.

The Make Up Is Not Going to Help. Believe Me.

2008-01-30T11:23:00.000-05:00

I never understand what synapses are (mis)firing when women decide to put on their make up in the car while they're driving. A) Your hair is big enough already, you don't need more hairspray. B) At least move into a lane that is NOT the far left lane - that lane is for me to pass you and leave your ozone depleting, aqua net dependent, that which would make bon-jovi circa 1987 jealous mane of fur you call hair behind.

Current music: Cold Cold Heart by Norah Jones
Music that got me through traffic this morning:

In Dreamland v11.1

2008-01-28T17:48:00.000-05:00

gregoria and i were arguing about something in a classroom. she insisted one thing and i insisted on another. except it wasn't really arguing because she wasn't even looking at me. she just kept repeating her information, ignoring me.

In Dreamland v11

2008-01-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

i was at a new year's eve party in a fancy club. by fancy i mean, i had to wear a suit. the only reason i had gone to this party was because i got a text from xavier saying he would be there and i should show up. so i did. i eventually got so bored i ended up laying on a couch watching tv. then xavier walked in and said "you look excited" and just kept walking. i got up and went to the bartender who was the bartender from the cruise i went on summer 2005. he gave me a drink and winked telling me it was only $4.50. he told me it was some sort of brandy and coke cocktail. i went upstairs to look for xavier and the bar on the 2nd floor seemed very dull. after i really started looking at people it wasn't that they were boring, they were snobs. i ordered the same drink i had at the 1st floor bar and the bartender charged me $23. i said never mind and ordered a well rum and coke. that was $2. everyone was smoking cigars and the artwork was actually bottles of alcohol for sale, the least expensive being $233. i never found xavier.

You Glance With Your Head, Not the Whole Car!

2008-01-28T10:41:00.000-05:00

We turned on the air conditioner in the truck while driving around El Paso yesterday. Ha, bitches!

PS - WTF is up with people not checking their blind spots when merging or switching lanes in traffic these days?! Drivers on the east side suck.

Current music: Valerie, by Amy Winehouse
Music that got me through traffic this morning:

And PPS - WTF is up with boy bands always having a creepy goateed guy?

Lesbians 1, Cops/Soldiers -3

2008-01-26T21:07:00.001-05:00

*Flashback*
When Wilson and I first moved back to El Paso we went to Wal-Mart to buy a few household odds and ends (cheap stuff we could use while we unpacked...okay, okay, we needed toilet paper because I hadn't pooped since Tucumcari). Anyway, we left the dogs to their own devices - Roswell to wander around the house and Bruno in his cage. We arrived from our Wal-Mart excursion to find that Bruno had broken out of his cage and torn down the mini blinds in the bedroom and living room. I tell you this story to bring you to ...

*Today*
Wilson and I finally moved out of the old apartment today. We've been in the new house for a week now, but have been unavoidably detained from cleaning out the rest of the house (he with his studying, me with ... well, tennis.) Anyway, so remember way back during the first paragraph I talked about the blinds being torn down? Yeah, well we never got around to fixing those when they were broken in July, so now we need a new set of blinds. So first thing we need to do is measure the window. One problem, we packed the tape measure. That's okay, we'll just borrow one from the neighbor soldier upstairs. Except he wasn't home. That's okay, we'll just borrow one from the other neighbor soldier upstairs. Except he didn't have one. That's okay, we'll just borrow one from the neighbor cop upstairs. Except he didn't have one either.

So just as I was about the measure the window with a 13x9 inch glass casserole dish (and don't even ask me why that was still unpacked) I remembered the last person we knew in the building - the lesbian that lives down the way. Ta-da! She was home and Ta-Da! she had a tape measure!

So that's the end of the story, kids.

Oh and I sincerely apologize to the Nissan pick up that was behind me on the 375 when the baby gate/doggie gate flew out of the back of *my* Nissan pick up as I was going 65 mph.

Current music: Melodramatic score to some cartoon that's on TV right now.

Who's Your Daddy?

2008-01-22T17:21:00.000-05:00

Daniel: Heath Ledger died.

Ann-Marie: Shut up!

Daniel: I'm serious.

Ann-Marie: No.

Daniel: Yes.

Ann-Marie: No!

Daniel: Why is this so upsetting?

Ann-Marie: Because his child is going to be father-less.

Greogria: Is father-less. There's no coming back from that one.

Overheard in Ann-Marie's office.

In Dreamland v10

2008-01-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

At work I was talking to Sakeena. All of a sudden, Janet Jackson's "You Want This" came on and we broke out into a choreographed skit.

In Dreamland v9

2008-01-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

I was at work when a group of soldier walked in. Lizzette saw them and all of a sudden burst into song. The whole Advising Center turned into a musical a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer in "Once More With Feeling." Lizzette started singing "Clumsy" by Fergie and the male peer advisors were her back up dancers/singers.

Houses and Traffic

2008-01-17T16:06:00.001-05:00

We got a new house!

I say "got" as in we're renting it, not purchasing, but still!! We have a garage and a yard and an actual laundry ROOM (as opposed to closet).

The only down side is it's in Horizon City which is just east of El Paso proper. It's a down side mostly because I work on the WEST side. Me and I-10 are going to be the bestest of friends!

To be honest I don't completely mind the commute. I figure it's just me giving back as for the last 6 years I lived and worked on campus and my commute was me opening my apartment door and walking down the hall.

Wooo!

Current music: None. Just Veronica Burgess talking really loudly on the phone.
Music that got me through traffic this morning: "Gimme More (Kaskade Mix)" by Britney Spears.

Psshhhh

2008-01-17T16:05:00.001-05:00

Well, so much for that.

I Resolve!

2007-12-18T00:39:00.001-05:00

Here's my December 19th Resolution:
A new post everyday!!

I was just informed it was almost 0 degrees in New Hampshire. ALMOST! Ha! Meanwhile I walked the dog in a hoodie with no beenie or gloves. I love it.

'Twas a busy weekend. Lots of graduations, lots of beer. I went out to watch the Liars in Las Cruces on Friday and decided that instead of liquor I would have beer. It was cheaper, I didn't get nearly as buzzed (which was good) and I only spent $10. Not all that bad, I say. Only I screamed the lyrics to "Footloose" and "Love Shack" and my throat hasn't quite recovered. I'm not happy about it, but I guess it was all worth it - Rosie slapped two guys while we were there. Very amusing.

I'll cut this one short, time to clean the kitchen and go to bed!

Traffic Music Godsend: "Ramble On" by Led Zepplin.

In Dreamland v8.1

2007-10-30T17:45:00.001-04:00

i was in my current bedroom in el paso, tx with my mom and my aunt monica. we were talking about my aunt's medical issues. no one else seemed to care very much. then she started bleeding. i broke down and asked my mom why she hadn't gone to the doctor. my mom said she had and that her doctor said there was nothing he could do about it. it was something related to her chest, which i didn't understand. so i confronted my aunt and asked her why she didn't go to another doctor. she said she couldn't afford another doctor and she had her family's expenses to think about. all of a sudden we were at my grandmother's house in columbus, nm. she was looking out the window and asked if i wanted to go party with the people in the hotel across the street. they were from des moines, iowa.

In Dreamland v8

2007-10-30T17:45:00.000-04:00

i was back in hanover with my aunt monica and uncle dan. only the campus was a cross between dartmouth's campus and that of indiana university of pennsylvania. i was under the impression i was there to serve as a tour guide; however, as i soon realized anytime i asked them a question or pointed out something of interest, i was ignored.

In Dreamland v7

2007-10-24T17:44:00.000-04:00

we all got our paychecks at the same time. we noticed we were all paid less than usual. a lot less. someone said "there are zeros missing from my paycheck."

someone else said "it must be all the cutbacks."

Wicked Karma, part 2

2007-10-14T23:43:00.000-04:00

Earlier this evening I set off to the grocery store. My sole mission - a small onion and some garlic.

Then I saw an orange and thought I could take it for lunch tomorrow. Then I remembered Wilson was out of sugar. The I saw one of those plastic floppy cutting boards and figured we could use one. Then I wanted a diet coke.

Okay, so finally I get to the check out counter - my six items and I were in the "15 or Fewer Items" line. Behind a woman with 17 items (yes, I counted). This, of course, annoyed me. Then, she she added the straw that broke this camel's back. A bag of Dorito's from the impulse buy section.

Are you still with me? That's 18 items. In the 15 or Fewer Line!! She, in a neighborly way, looked at me and smiled. All I could hear was "I know I have 18 items, but I'm in front of you and you can't do anything about it because the cashier just scanned my first box of Betty Crocker chocolate cake mix." So I looked at her. Looked at her items. Looked at the sign that said "15 or Fewer Items," then looked right at her.

She knew I meant business.

So she bagged her items and carried them out of the store. All 18 of them.

So I get up the cashier and she begins scanning my items (my 6 items, may I remind you). Then (this is where the karma kicks in) ...

I didn't have my wallet.

So along with my onion, my garlic, my sugar, my cutting board, my orange and diet coke, I had me a nice slice of humble pie.

In Dreamland v6

2007-10-07T17:43:00.000-04:00

i was in a large parking lot, looking for my car. i was parked in section "H" but the only sections i could find were "BFE" and "WTF."

In Dreamland v5

2007-10-05T17:42:00.000-04:00

i was a detective on law and order:svu and i was listening to a phone call from this guy saying he was going to rape her again ... it was on an episode the other night.

Don't Say I Never Offered You Anything

2007-10-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

Tim: I was gonna give this dozen roses to this girl I liked, but I decided not to. Do you want them?

Ann-Marie: If anyone's gonna give me 12 of anything it's gonna be inches.

Overheard in Tammy's office.

Equal Opportunity Patronization

2007-09-13T12:15:00.000-04:00

In an annual presidential address to the University of Texas at El Paso community, Dr. Diana Natalicio released, on September 1, 2007, the University's statement on Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action and University Policy Statement.

In this statement, Dr. Natalicio outlines UTEP's protected classes, which are: race, color, national origin, sex, religion, age, veteran status, sexual orientation, or disability. Yes, my friends, sexual orientation. Pretty amazing considering we're in the state of Texas, right?

Upon further research, however, I have found that, as published in UTEP's EO & AA Office Brochure (page 2), the University is very quick to point out that sexual orientation is not protected under state and federal law.

What does this mean, exactly? It means that UTEP can claim to be non-discriminitory in regards to sexual orientation, however, there is no legistlation or precedent to actually hold them accountable to this policy.

As stated by a UTEP Human Resources representative during Employee Orientation, gay couples may not claim their domestic partners as a dependent, therefore those partners are not eligible for university benefits.

Really? Even though Dr. Natalicio's memo clearly states, "The University's commitment to equal opportunity principles applies to all aspects of employment, including recruitment, promotion, compensation, benefits, and training?"

Yes, really.

The Human Resources Services Frequently Asked Questions page documents that "eligible dependents include your legally married spouse..." Well, guess what folks (loophole alert!) - the gays can't get married in Texas! Well, you may ask, what if I, a gay man, and my partner, another gay man, got married in Massachusetts, where it is legal? You guessed it - another loophole alert! - Texas (and in turn, UTEP) won't recognize that legal document thanks to DOMA.

So what does this all mean? I'll tell you - it means that UTEP can lure gay and lesbian (and bisexual ... we won't include transgender folks as the policy clearly states "sexual orientation" and not "gender identity") applicants under the guise of equal opportunity when really it is just a fallacy.

Would UTEP be so bold as to withhold benefits from say ... a visiting professor from Spain? A black man? An employee with Cerebral Palsy? I guarantee it wouldn't, even though it does choose to discriminate against another member of the so-called protected class list. And is there anything in place from prohibiting the University to be more blatant in it's discrimination? Do gay and lesbian employees really have security in their employment at UTEP as the institution is so bold to publish such a bogus document without the ability to back it up?

Do I really want to take it there? Yes, and here's why - this list is used as recruiting tool. Natalicio herself has written "the University commits itself to increased recruitment efforts to assure that qulified minorities, women, veterans, and individuals with a disability are represnted in the applicant pool..."

UTEP is unabashedly using it's status as the only school in the University of Texas system to include sexual orientation in its non-discrimination policy.

And in response I say - UTEP, do us all a favor (and by us, I mean the university community), don't patronize. It's beneath you and insulting to the rest of us.

In Dreamland v4

2007-08-14T17:41:00.000-04:00

i was off roading in my truck through a stream and i was supposed to veer to the right, but i didn't and ended up in deeper water. all of a sudden i was outside of my truck on a rock pondering how to get my truck out of the deeper water. out of nowhere i saw a lynx jump from the trees into what was a now a river. my truck wasn't in anymore than three feet of water but i was afraid the linx would drive it away. then when the lynx came out of the water i saw it looked more like a cross between a lynx and
meowth.

She's Kinky Like That

2007-08-14T13:33:00.000-04:00

Daniel (To Ann-Marie as she's riding her wheel chair down the hall): Has anyone ever stuck a broomstick in your wheel as you're rolling?

Ann-Marie: Yeah, it's called 'foreplay.'

Overheard in the Advising Center hallway.

Now playing on the Launchcast: Joga by Bjork

In Dreamland v3.1

2007-08-09T17:40:00.000-04:00

i needed to take a spanish placement exam for some reason. juan had inside information and told me what verb to focus on. he also clued me into the fact that there was a performance piece to the exam and that i needed to work on my Cha Cha.

i don't know how to do the Cha Cha.

In Dreamland v3

2007-08-09T17:39:00.000-04:00

my left central incisor fell out. weird though was that it was screwed into my gums and the screw broke in half.

also falling out of my mouth was my tongue ring. which i don't have in waking life.

There's a scale, honey.

2007-08-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

Jennifer: You graduated from NMSU? Why?

Yvette: He got his bachelor's there.

Jennifer: Do you still live there?

Daniel: No, I live in the Northeast now.

Jennifer: [Disapproving face] You're not even making progress.

Overheard at Yvette's desk.

Yeah, Let Me Check On That

2007-07-31T16:03:00.000-04:00

Angel: I'll email it to you.

Daniel: Okay, but my email isn't working, they actually took my access away for the day.

Angel: Are you sure you work here?

Overheard in Angel's Office.

On the Yahoo! Launchcast: Blue Lines by Massive Attack

It's about time!

2007-07-31T01:17:00.001-04:00

I got a new computer! A mac!
I got a new job! At UTEP!
I don't live in New Hampshire anymore! Or in a dorm!

Regular updates to come!

Plus more exclamation points!

On the iTunes: Kissing by Bliss

In Dreamland v2

2007-06-07T17:38:00.000-04:00

south end of the dartmouth green.

regan fox is teaching me how to drive a back ho. a back ho.

there were lots of other dreams last night, only i don't remember them.

In Dreamland

2007-06-06T17:37:00.000-04:00

my dreams don't have a recurring theme, per se. most often i can't scream.

or run.

but those things don't happen in every dream.

but they tend to happen the most.

Wicked Karma

2007-05-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

This morning I decided that I wanted an iced coffee. I had one on Saturday, it was yummy. After I drank that bevarage I did two loads of laundry and scrubbed the tub! I figured - why not give it a shot during a work day - maybe I'd be super productive and my boss would be impressed!!

So. I went to the bank. The post office. The Dirt Cowboy. I ordered a large iced mocha latte and a ham and cheese croissant (the same magical order from Saturday). I came home and Wilson said, "I wish you wouldn't support the Dirt Cowboy. The manager doesn't let them have the tips in the tip jar."

My only response, as I was chugging my drink was "Well then it's a good thing I don't tip!"

Here's where the instant karma kicked my butt - the croissant was gross and after I finished the coffee, I got a stomach ache and took a nap.

I want my $7 back.

At Least They Kept it Out of the Showers

2007-05-09T08:21:00.000-04:00

Daniel: Are you 4 rooming together?

Two freshmen, pointing at each other: No, we're together.

Freshman, standing behind them: We know you're together - you've been screaming it all year.

Overheard in the queue line at room draw.

The Incredible Puke-able Egg

2007-05-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

So. Last time we were together I talked about losing weight. And how my quest to fit in my pants again had begun. The gauntlet had been thrown, as they say. I don't know who says things like that, or what a gauntlet even really looks like, but with these things we just roll.

So, I'm trying to lose weight. I've been eating in a more patterned matter (an actual breakfast meal, not the Michelle Andrews Diet Coke Breakfast of Champions) a solid lunch and a good dinner - with maybe a snack somewhere in between. I figure, you know, why not regulate the metabolism?

Well, while my mind thought that, my body, felt that it needed to take more drastic measures this morning: I woke up - jolly as could be, for it was 6:00 a.m. and the sun was shining. Okay, maybe not shining, but I could tell it was rising which is unusual as there are typically clouds blocking any sort of sunlight. I took my shower, got dressed and felt the need to eat a hard boiled egg. Mmm-mmm that sounded yummy to me. So I made two. And two slices of toast with grape jelly. I was set. I boiled the eggs. I toasted the toast. I peeled the eggs. I jellied the toast. I ate one egg. I ate one slice of toast. I started in on egg two. My stomach piped in and said "Maybe not ..." My brain shouted "Eat it!! It's yummy!!"

Stomach: I wouldn't go there if I were you.

Head: Shut it stomach, it's scrumptuous and healthy!

Stomach: All right bitch don't say I didn't warn you.

Head: Whatcha gonna do? Huh?! Huh?!

Daniel: Oh fuck, I'm gonna puke.

Yeah. So I puked it all up. It was beautiful. And by beautiful, I mean gross. And a little painful, I must say. I haven't puked sober in a long time. I haven't puked food in a long time. 1993 to be exact. I puked drunk last summer, but that's always pretty. And relieving. Now granted, once I got all the grossness out of my system, I felt a helluva lot better, but it was not a good thing in the process. Nothing had been digested further than me chewing, so it all came back up the way it went down. Which was a very interesting lesson in biology, but really not one I cared to A) learn in that way or B) at that time.

So - anyway, apparently my body had enough of the eggs. As a precaution, though, we threw all the eggs out and bought new ones. I feel better about that, but it'll be a while until I eat another egg. (I'm chosing to blame the eggs because there's no way in hell I'm giving up toast.) Or maybe this was a way of my body trying to figure out its own way to lose the weight - which, P.S. was totally off base because in the process of recovering, I ate 1/2 a box of saltines.

So suck on that!

Opposition of Fleshy Parts

2007-04-28T19:23:00.000-04:00

It happened folks. After dinner the other night, while sitting in the most comfortable chair in the world. I sighed the sigh of a man who ate the absolute best combination of chicken pot pie, ice cream and coke and then, without the aid of conscious thought ... I unbuttoned my pants.

The feeling! I was relieved! I could breathe! Sit comfortably!

And now I must lose at least 5 pounds. Now, here's the deal. I must lose the weight. Why? Why conform to a society so critical in its judgment of physical appearance? Why not love me for me?

Why?

Because I can't afford it. I can't afford new pants. That's like ... at least 10 pairs of pants! And it's summer season so that's pants and shorts!!

Plus I miss being able to bend over and ...

tie my shoes. There's just too much flesh in opposition of itself and it has got to go.

So, stay tuned. I'm losing weight.

My Super Sweet Slut-Teen

2007-03-15T18:45:00.000-04:00

Waaaaaaaaaaay back in December I started writing this:

So. The very first time I saw MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen" I thought - "WTF?" Then I thought, "When's the next episode?!" Then I thought, "Are these chippies for real?" Then I thought, "I can't believe I just spent my Saturday afternoon watching this. For shame." You know, the classic "car crash" emotions. Shock. Intrigue. Disgust and ultimately guilt for taking pleasure in something that is so tragically devastating to someone else.

You see, I've been working on college campuses for upwards of eight years now and for the longest time I've always wondered what happens to young women when they get on campus and into fraternity parties. Why do they lower themselves to such submissive behavior? Why do they allow the boys on campus to take advantage of them, manipulate them and both literally and figuratively, rape them? Then it finally dawned on me - these super sweet sixteen girls - these controlling, daddy's little girl, power mongering, credit card swiping, I'm the queen of my party, my school, my town girls - are simply trying to replace the power they (w)horded while in high school. Their "status" means nothing on male dominated campuses. No one cares that Ciara played your sweet sixteen party or that you handed out silver coined invitations or that you made three guys dance poolside as you and your three girlfriends decided whether or not they were worthy to attend the magical event.

And when they realize that no one cares about that, it makes it that much easier to make out with the next "hot" girl and subsequently get approval from the men cheering them on.

...

Apparently, sometime between now and then, January and February happened. I've obviously lost the fervor with which I was writing that post ... some valid points were made, but for the life of me, I can't remember what my point was going to be.

Daddy, don't let your daughters grow up to be frat whores. I'll leave it at that.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back ... in 5-7 Days

2006-12-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

I have pink eye. I need a haircut. I just ate my own weight in Christmas Eve cheese and crackers and chex mix and macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and green beans. Needless to say, I'm not the sexy beast I once was.

But who cares because it's Christmas Eve!! This will be short post because it's almost time for bed and Santa will be making his way to Wilson's Mom's house (where we're spending the holiday) and I've already been naughty enough this year, I don't need to push my luck by staying up late.

Blessings to all, and to all a good night!!

Miracle on 30-poopth St.

2006-12-19T00:09:00.000-05:00

So this morning I woke up in a foul mood. I don't know why, I was just a bitter little man this morning. Nothing suited me - I was like Goldilocks - I wasn't happy with my toothbrush, the water just wouldn't get warm enough in the shower and even though I looked hott, I just didn't like what I was wearing. Wah, right? It's all about perspective, really ...

So I was walking to work and as I turned the corner at Baker Library I saw a huge dog taking a dump on the lawn. Its owner was standing nearby, waiting patiently holding on to the leash. I thought, "Great, what a fan-fucking-tastic morning!" But then something miraculous happened. Something I was not prepared for - visually or emotionally. The woman pulled out of her pocket ... wait for it ... a plastic bag! And she scooped up her pooch's poop! And then threw the little baggie in the trash!

It was a Festivus Miracle!

Let me tell you, if you're ever in a bad mood, watching someone pick up dog shit, might just do the trick. Trust me.

A Yule Blog

2006-12-17T21:48:00.000-05:00

Oh ho ho ho ho ho, I ate so much pot roast for dinner.

So, let me tell you how bitched up I am about shopping at the mall. Civilization has deteriorated (and yes, I had to spell check that word) into a completely self-absorbed capitalistic power shopper and it is no wonder that Time magazine had to name "you" as a computer aided being Person of the Year and not the "You" that stood in line at Gap whilst her 3 year old screamed at the top of her lungs.

Seriously, though, it is no wonder I shop online these days. Our society ills me. I do have to say, though, that the people working the registers at Victoria's Secret were fun. They were trying to sell this lip enhancer thing at the counter and I picked it up and looked at it with my queer eye (and in this case, queer refers to the "odd" definition and not the "homo" one) and the woman goes, "I know ... like I need my lips any bigger" and then she puffed them out. Then I replied, "would it be the same thing as if I ate a banana, I'm allergic to those and swell up." She laughed.

Okay, so not the most witty of repartee, but amusing nonetheless.

So, Christmas is here, and I for one, am reclaiming my "Christianity" and greeting people with Merry Christmas (should the occasion warrant a holiday greeting). I'm done with Happy Holidays and Chrismahannakwanzakuh and being politically correct. In honor of a) my identity and b) separation of church and state (and hence any politically correct brainwashing) I'm saying Merry Christmas.

So Merry Christmas. Bitches.

Looking Good Costs Time and Money

2006-10-01T10:26:00.000-04:00

I went shopping yesterday! I bought me all kinds of nice shirts and sweaters so I can look good for approximately one week and then not want to do laundry which will result in me inevitably wearing the same OLD clothes I used to have that made me want to buy the new clothes in the first place.

Why do I insist on buying dry clean only sweaters? Dry cleaning is expensive! More expensive than the sweaters! Well, not at first, but it eventually is. I guess technically though everything is. For some reason though, the dry cleaning part seems more expensive to me. Aside from the extra monetary commitment that is required, you have to do it within certain times. I mean, the laundry room is open 24 hours a day. There are even 24 hour Laundromats in case I feel like taking my clothes for a ride! But there aren't 24 hour dry cleaning places. I would gladly exchange 1 hour dry cleaners for a 24 hour dry cleaner any day. I mean an "open 24 hours a day dry cleaner." In the context of the 1 hour dry cleaner it sounded like I was talking about a dry cleaner that took 24 hours to clean your clothes. Which I was not.

Anyway, the extra time it takes to dry clean clothes is the point I'm trying to make. I guess I need to just get off my butt instead of whining about it. Like instead of writing this blog I could be taking my clothes to the dry cleaner ... oh wait, it's Sunday.

Brian Likes His Cake

2006-09-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

Christy: You got invited? All they told me was 'Don't eat the cake.' (To Brian after Brian revealed he was invited to a retirement part at Christy's office)

Overheard at staff meeting.

Marzipan is Such a Great Influence

2006-09-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

Zach: That's disgusting. And I don't like your outfit. (To Rachel in reference to her wanting to dip her pickles in her au jous)

Overheard at Quizno's.

If I Don't Get to Punch Someone, Why am I Paying So Much Money?!

2006-07-10T23:01:00.000-04:00

So today my trainer informed me I have two sessions left in my training package. When I asked if there was some sort of culminating experience to commemorate the occaision he just looked at me, the same way he looks at me when I say, "20 reps? You're kidding right?" or "Run 2 miles? That's funny!" So, I decided to take a shot ... "How about, on our last day, I get to punch you in the gut?"

It was worth a shot right?

Anyway, I'm making my way back home for a few days ... look for some blogs (and some pics, hopefully) from the Land of Enchantment. It'll be hott.

So Who's Up for Some Pot Pie?

2006-07-06T22:38:00.001-04:00

I wonder if Tyra Banks ever regrets being the catalyst for Janice Dickenson being thrust upon the world again. Maybe a little guilty?

Whatever, as long as Ms. Dickeson keeps her male models working for 2xist, she can be any shade of crazy she wants!

So, I often have a problem when it comes to dinner time. Backstory - Wilson and I got into a huge argument over groceries the other day because I wanted to buy groceries and he didn't want to because I tend to buy things I won't ever eat (mostly because I have this notion that I'm a chef, when in reality, the only cooking skill I have is the ability to dial for chinese delivery!), they go bad, and in the long run he wastes money. Okay, all logical. So anyway, we argued, we bought groceries. Cut to today and me sitting on the chair, literally watching the minutes pass, thinking, "How late do I have to let it get before I don't feel guilty for making the decision to not make food, but to order it ..." Then there's the whole problem of me waiting so long to make food that I get so lethargic about it ... what a viscious cycle.

No! Make food! You can do it! Oohh, there are tater tots ... No! Tater tots are not food! So, I pull out some chicken from the fridge ... what shall I do with it? Let's just sautee some chicken, boil some pasta, throw some red sauce on there and call it a meal. No fuss, no muss, and a net gain of approximately 4 dirty dishes. But wait - what's that yellow box in the corner? Bisquick ... ooh a recipe for dumplings! I've never done that before. Yeah, yeah, you can boil some chicken in some chicken broth, cut up some celery, put in some potatoes, some carrots, green beans, corn, onions and totally make a stew!! With dumplings!

P.S. Who knew it would take an hour and a half to make this stew with dumplings and that I wouldn't be eating dinner until 9:45. Not this kid, that's for sure.

I'm not even going to get into the fact that I was one can of chicken broth short and it really came out as chicken and dumpling pot pie stuffing ... so guess what's for dinner tomorrow?! Oh and I'm also not going to get into the fact that I have no idea what dumplings are supposed to a) look like or b) taste like, so I dont' know if I got those right ... as far as I know they're balls of steamed dough ... and I like dough, erego, I liked the dumplings. That's the transitive property, bitches.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that when it comes to cooking I'm way more ambitious than I am talented.

Wilson Hates Luke Perry

2006-06-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

I decided I need to post more. I often wait until something absolutely fan-fucking-tastic (that's for you Mike) happens or something hiLARious (that's for you Brian) happens and then it gets to be too long and it needs to be something super and then I just get over it and don't post anything. So I got over that, and now I'm posting.

It's now June and I'm entering my 4th term working at Dartmouth - summer term. From the stories that have been told, it should be a cake-walk, however, I will be flying solo as opposed to partnering up with another Community Director, so it's kind of like a cake walk only a little more challenging. Like maybe there's no cake at the end ... just walking in circles to music. Which can be enjoyable - as long as the music isn't Toby Keith.

I was told twice this weekend that my body looked pretty good from all the gym-goin'. I believe the words "svelt" and "ripped" were used. We all had a good laugh after I mentioned that I appreciated it, especially since it didn't come cheap ... I guess it's worth waking up at 6 a.m.

I supposedly have the day off tomorrow, but who takes the day off the day before the summer term begins? Not this kid. Officially, on the books, though, I have the day off. What shall I do? I guess I'll probably just sleep in. My gym appointment isn't until 9, which I guess is good.

We're currently watching "Signs." I read this and completely agree with the assessment. I do, however, still get the crap scared out of me while I watch it. I drive myself crazy with anticipation. [Cut to me, changing the channel.]

P.S. We're never living on a farm.

Where Do I Get in Line?!

2006-05-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

Brian: Hey Jeff, would you like me to toss your salad?

Overheard at the Olive Garden.

There's Still the Matter of That Pie in the Fridge

2006-05-07T19:54:00.000-04:00

It’s Sunday evening and the weekend of sloth is about to come to an end. Soon it will be Monday and my stomach will be sad because I will no longer have meals that consist entirely of Pepperidge Farms cookies! You think I am kidding, but here is a list of things I ate this weekend, we’ll start with Friday night because, well, who am I kidding, my brain goes on weekend at 2:30 on Friday why shouldn’t my stomach?

Friday night: Relay for Life – a proud night for a glutton. First off, I didn’t register to participate, but was easily convinced by Tricia to go and watch. “Watch a bunch of people walk around a track to support cancer? Meh.” “There’s free food.” “Okay!” So I go, and much to my chagrin you have to pay $5, but it’s all you can eat! I decide to wait until I’m really hungry. And by “really hungry” I mean “until Tricia gets up to go get food and ask her to bring me something.” Eventually, one of our co-workers leaves and gives me her $5-all-you-can-eat-all-money-goes-to-cancer-research wristband and I get to eat! All I can! For free! So I have a hamburger! And a hot dog! And another hamburger! All in about 45 minute span. It’s a proud night for a glutton. And cheap bastards.

Saturday I woke up and ate 4 pieces of toast with butter. Then I went to visit Wilson at his mom’s. Since it was around lunchtime and I was going to be in the car I figured what could be better to eat than … gas station lunch! So I had a bag of cracker and cheddar cheese combos and – GASP! – the Foodstop is out of Diet Mountain Dew! WTF? DMD is a driving necessity! How else am I to belt out Kelly Clarkson songs while barreling down the highway at 80 mph without the caffeine boost that only a DMD can provide?! I settle for a Diet Dr Pepper because, well, it tastes more like regular Dr Pepper. (P.S. I’m a commercial monkey).

Once I get to Wilson’s mom’s house I’m greeted by the neighbor with a bag of cookies! Hell yeah, it’s time for dessert, I say! So I eat two cookies. While at Wilson’s we work on the neighbor’s boat … hmm, cookies first, then work – what a tricky lady! But it’s worth it cause A) the cookies were good, B) it’s a beautiful day and C) I get to spend time with Wils. So we’re painting and drilling and here comes the cookie neighbor with what? More cookies! Yum. After paining and drilling and cookies we take a nap. We awaken to Wilson’s mom with hot dogs! After an hour drive home I come home and eat a bag of Lime and Red Chile Tostito’s. I’d never heard of them, but I found the bag in the house so I ate them. They were pretty tasty!

On Sunday we didn’t wake up until around 11 and I finish off the rest of those Tostito’s for breakfast. For lunch I have a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. For dinner we try to fix last Sunday’s Chicken Fried Steak disaster by making … Chicken Fried Steak again! We tried a different biscuit recipe and after a successful taste test (read: 5 biscuits later) we then fry up the steaks. Mmmm beef fried in butter and oil?! Please sir, can I have some more? No! You’ve eaten too many biscuits and physically cannot intake anymore food!

Which is where I sit now. Bloated. Staring at a plate of uneaten biscuits smothered in gravy. Oh yeah, did I mention that the steak was smothered in gravy? Yeah … so, in summary – cookies, combos, hot dogs hamburgers, chips, biscuits and fried beef … oh mama, my trainer should have never gone on vacation.

Thou shalt not have chicken on Easter

2006-04-16T23:07:00.000-04:00

Jesus said, "Behold my hands and my feet, that it is myself: handle me and see; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have." So my question is: This relates to the bunny rabbit how?!?

I hate holidays. They are so inconvenient. Things are closed. Children run about. Is a bucket of chicken at 9:30 p.m. too much to ask? Only if it's Easter Sunday.

Not to get on any sort of religious high horse, but really, to me, religious holidays are the pinnacle of hypocrisy. No one cares more about their religion than when there's a reason to not work.

Okay I'm done. And kids be quiet and go home.

Meanwhile, the window is wide open ...

2006-03-31T19:48:00.000-05:00

Daniel: Do you have cramps? Would you like me to massage your ovaries?

Jenn: No!

Daniel: Dry hump?

Jenn: No!

Daniel: I'm an excellent ovary massager, Wilson, tell Jenn I'm an excellent ovary massager.

Wilson: Do you even know where the ovaries are?

Daniel: I would assume they're in this general region [points to pelvis].

Wilson: Yeah, well ... you know what she could really use is a heating pad.

Jenn: I'm fine. I have cramps but they're well managed by all the Motrin I took.

Wilson: Oh, okay. Do you have a tipped uterus?

Daniel: I can check that out for you.

Wilson: There's a three finger test.

Daniel: I have three fingers.

Wilson: I don't know which fingers, though. And I'm sure it's done from the outside.

Daniel: Like a shocker?

But I bet your tongue likes it ...

2006-03-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

Brian: These Doritos really are nacho cheesier. I'm not sure how my colon feels about that.

Overheard at the Hop during lunch.

Jaywalk Rock Chalk

2006-03-17T17:47:00.000-05:00

Pedestrians.

It is state law in New Hampshire to stop for pedestrians at crosswalks. Actually, you only have to stop for them if they've already begun to cross or if they are on your side of the street and are in the process of stepping out into the street. But I don't want to talk about pedestrians in crosswalks, with them I have no beef. What I do want to bring to the attention of every idiot savant out there in Dartmouthland is a little thing called "jaywalking."

I would like to take the opportunity to educate pedestrians to the fact that if you are not in a crosswalk, my happy ass does not have to stop for you. And believe me, I will take every opportunity to remind you of that. I don't want to hear anymore bullshit of, "Oh that's the culture around here," cause as hard as it is to change culture, it's harder to wake up from a coma from me and my Landrover mowing you down and launching you across the Green. Believe me, I have no problem testing this theory.

I also don't want to hear any more shit about "You shouldn't be driving that fast anyway," because there should be no reason an Ivy League educated person should just walk out in the middle of traffic anyway. I don't care how privileged you think you are, or if you didn't hear the car approaching cause you were listening to your iPod, which by the way you don't want me to get started on either, or that the light was red so the driver was going to have to stop anyway - I stop where the car in front of me ends ... if you are in between me and that point, be prepared to become very familiar with my bumper.

Think I'm rambling incessantly? Read this. That's right, it's your duty to stop for me when I'm driving and you're cutting across the street. So surrender to me and my car, lest ye surrender thine life to the asphault. That's right, I said it.

The "Overheard" Feature

2006-03-09T17:27:00.000-05:00

I decided that once a week I would add a post that includes a compilation of quotes and conversations that made me laugh that week. To start it off,

Ben: My high school was the kind where everyone drove BMWs and Mercedes-Benz.

Jenna: In high school, I had a bus pass.

Overheard at a UGA function.

That's Fizix

2006-02-20T21:52:00.000-05:00

I often believe that if I were born in another time and place I would be a genius. How awesome would it have been to be Isaac Newton? I mean basically, he made observations and then wrote them down and then said then in rightfully fanciful verbiage. Really, did he do anything that anyone else couldn’t have done? I mean, I can guarantee you there was some dude at a party just a few days after Newton would make one his “discoveries” saying, “Did I not just say that to you the other day? Damn I should have written that down.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, yes, Newton is a genius. I mean, first, he had the common sense to write shit down. For instance, how many times have you been up late at night only to stumble across a commercial advertising, say, Doggy Steps and thought “I could have invented that! In fact, I’m sure I said something to someone sometime about how cruel it was to have a dog jump onto a bed, or how absurd it would be to, god forbid, pick it up!”

Secondly (and I use “secondly” knowing full well that my grad school advisor Dr. John Mueller is about to go into a tizzy and deduct 3 princess points) – secondly, he possessed a lexicon that made him seem smart and he used it well. I mean come on, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?” How many drunk ass bastards are out there who not only proved that over and over but probably said just as much before, “Hell no, bitch, I can’t take a shot of Jaeger cause that shit makes me boot.” What’s the difference? Okay, so it’s not as elegant, but it gets the point across – For every action (shot of Jaeger) there is an equal and opposite reaction (boot). And furthermore, as you increase said action (more shots of Jaeger) there is indeed an equal and opposite reaction (more boot.)

So yes, Newton was a genius. But had he existed at the time, I don’t think there’s anything Newton didn’t teach that you couldn’t learn on say … Maury Povich. Let’s take Newton’s first law of Motion: “An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” This could easily be observed on any episode of Maury, especially any episode involving a paternity test. Witness:

An object at rest (Baby Mama) tends to stay at rest and an object in motion (Baby Daddy) tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction (away from said Baby Mama) unless acted upon by an unbalanced force (Maury Povich).

I really don’t know what my point was, at all, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I like television and I’m tired of people telling me that TV rots your brain. I don’t know, maybe, next time someone gets on me for watching Maury I can say, “Shut up bitch, I’m learning physics.”

In the Beginning, God Created Mexicans

2006-02-18T00:34:00.000-05:00

First of all, Mex to the Max is a slogan used by the restaurant Margarita's, which by the way, is a perfect example of "just because you name your restaurant after something doesn't mean that particular item is any good." For instance, the actual margaritas at Margarita's suck, whereas the margarita's at Molly's give me warm tingly sensations that eventually make me urinate. As an aside, I cannot comment on any Mollies at Molly's as I have never met, seen, or heard of a Molly at Molly's. But I digress. The term "mex to the max" is also a blitz nickname used by one of my staff members. I will discuss this "blitz" and these "students" at a later date. (This is where I try to intrigue you with vague references to things I hope to write about and will in turn tingle your curiousity and cause you to continue to read my bloglet ... providing of course I update it regularly and actually write about the things I seductively elude to.)

About me, your blogger extraodinaire: I was born in Columbus, NM. A U.S. citizen I grew up on the border speaking english and spanish and no, I have no accent in either language. Sometimes I'm happy about this, sometimes I'm saddened as things tend to sound funnier in an accent, and since I'm not an actor, I'm not great at doing fake accents. It tends to come out as someone impersonating Cheech Marin ... and not very well.

I am 27 going on 28, baby it's time to think ...

I work at Dartmouth College. This topic, also, will arise in the future.

I am recently engaged to my partner, Wilson.

I am a homosexual.

I like to state the obvious.

I also like to make people laugh. It's my "thing." If I can make people laugh I feel they like me, and I like when people like me.

I don't like when people don't like me.

I'm not, however, one of those people who will go to the ends of the Earth to try to get someone to like me. If you don't like me, you don't like me and I will probably make fun of you behind your back (and then write about you on my other blog).

I'm mature like that.

I have a penchant for run on sentences and belaboring a point. I feel the more verbose I become the greater chance of me saying something funny will arise. An economy of language is not this humorist's friend.

So at times I will post some monologues that otherwise would only occur in my head (where of course there was laughing) and sometimes I'll post some where maybe there could perhaps be laughter, but more than likely only a confused "huh?" will be produced. If you know me in real life, you may find somethings to be repetitive, or slightly altered. I feel that my interactions in daily life are a rehearsal for conversations I can then make more dramatic, humorous and intriguing when I write about them. This will cause people who don't know me to believe that I am as quick witted and lingually blessed as I appear on their computer screen. Cause, come on, who would really use the term "lingually blessed" in an actual conversation? Well, maybe Wilson, and you had a pleasant wake up call from me this morning.