I Hate Everything.

Why is it that when people get married or pregnant we're supposed to buy them gifts? I know there was a whole Sex and the City episode about this and really it was the principle of people thanking other people for staying single and childless. And while I believe in that rant, mine has to do more with the assumption that I want to congratulate people on these happenings.

A) Do I think we need more children wandering this world? Not really. There are lots of kids wandering around needing homes. I understand the human instinct and need/want for children of their own (must carry on the family genes!), but again, the Earth is over populated as it is.

B) This was a decision you made on your own. Why must I supply you with the necessary tools to do this? And that's being nice. Have you seen what people register for these days? If the world had come together and said, "You. You two will be having a baby, whether you like it or not." Then I can understand outfitting this little creature with all the amenities of the parents desire. There's already a system in place where I get no say about forking over my money to people who have children who can't support them; it's called welfare.

And I'm done.

And They Decided to Rename her "Libby."

Update to the previous post regarding Shelly.

Shelly has made a quick and full recovery from her injuries! Hooray for puppy antibiotics and pain killers!

Shelly was also adopted by a wonderful family who has two other dogs and have (in the 4 days she has lived with them) spoiled her absolutely rotten! We all knew it was a perfect match when her new owners picked her up, starting rubbing her back and she fell asleep.

In regards to her siblings, this is what we found out: All in all there were 9 pups in the litter (and, just FYI, no they did not have a litter permit). Two puppies died shortly after birth, leaving 7. One was adopted by another neighbor, which makes 6. Shelly was saved which left 5. One was sold to another neighbor leaving 4. Three were stealthily (and law-abidingly so) taken by an animal rescue group which left the one which the owner refused to give up. I am aware the district attorney was involved and legal proceedings have begun against the family. A few of the later rescued puppies were not in the best of health and since their removal on Saturday evening, we have not been updated on their status.

Wilson and I are extremely grateful to all those who expressed their anger, disgust, interest and energy in our quest to get these animals to a safer location. Thanks to those who put the word out looking for new parents for little Shelly. Her new family loves her to no ends and in her Liberation, have rightfully so, renamed her.

And I Decided to Call Her 'Shelly.'

Saturday afternoon a good friend/neighbor called to ask for help with a puppy she took from another neighbor. Wilson and I made our way back from shopping and found this cute little thing being coddled by the friend/neighbor:



She was scared and shaky and listless and clinging on to life. Mostly because she also came with this (WARNING: Potentially disturbing photo):



And this:



We don't know exactly what happened, and this photo is the cleaned up mess. We spent about 4 hours at the Animal Emergency Center where, thankfully, she had no broken bones, no major infections and was overall in good general health. The friend/neighbor rescued her from the house across the street after she heard her crying all day. We're all just a little bit concerned about the fact that there are four or five other pups out there. Even more concerning is the thought that maybe they were using poor little rescued pup as a punching bag.

So, we've done the rescuing, the medicating, the feeding and now we need to find the housing. We're all hoping she makes a speedy recovery and she will find a good home. Which is where you, good reader, come in. Please, please, please make some calls, send some emails - this little puppy needs a home. A quiet home where she can recover and be loved.

She's about 8 weeks old, a boxer/lab mix and currently in an e-collar while she recovers.

Here's one more pic, just for cuteness' sake:

The Best Laid Plans

Seriously, this was my plan for the weekend -

Spend Friday night in Las Cruces so I could ..
...Go to the Aggie game on Saturday afternoon.

Then drive home, do some clothes shopping and catch up on the laundry which was backed up since Wednesday.

This is actually what happened:

Came home Friday, had a quick dinner, went to coffee with Wilson.
Woke up Saturday morning, saw Wilson off to the doctor.
The doctor didn't work out so we went to the outlets.
Spent entirely too much time and money, but found some kick ass shoes.
Got a call from a neighbor and..
...rescued a dog.
Spent several hours at the animal emergency room.
Lost my wallet and went to bed about 1:00 a.m.

Woke up Sunday morning.
Attempted to watch Superbad, but had a superbad DVD (thanks Netflix!)
Found my wallet.
Went to Wal-Mart.
Ate Chinese food.
Went back to the vet for more puppy meds.
Came home.
Baked a loaf of bread.
Ate a loaf of bread.
And finally did some laundry...

Now it's Army Wives, purging the closet and maybe bedtime.

A Collective Middle Finger to Society

Today's story involves a man in a beat up white ford taurus trying to merge from the left lane into the right lane (where I was) when there was literally two feet in between my front bumper and the mudflaps of a semi-trailer. His response to my honking in order to get his attention and divert his fiberglass front end from meeting my left headlight - the middle finger.

Approximately 2 minutes later, he zips past me honking and again waving his finger and then waving good-bye ... he's so polite!

Just for clarification - The reason I did not let you merge (because I believe he is reading this right now) was not because I was so egotistical that I could not stand to be one more car away from being home, but because I feared my insurance rates climbing due to the collision that was to ensue. Thanks old ford taurus driver! I hope you feel better.

Part two involves my neighbor across the street asking me to help her move her fridge and stove to her new house at 7 and then never showing up.

Thanks across the street neighbor!

The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American v2

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

My Night Getting Drunk With El Paso County Sheriff's Deputy Recruits (Or A Community Service Opportunity I Never Knew Existed)

So around noon time on Saturday Wilson came home and told me he needed to go to the Law Enforcement Annex to get drunk.

Verbally, I was like - "Cool."

Mentally, I was like - "WTF?"

My mental state soon caught up with my verbal state - "What the fuck?!"

So it turns out, when police academy cadets get to the portion of their course that involves sobriety tests, the El Paso County Sheriff's department prefers their cadets to experience the real thing (without the driving part). The county looks for volunteers to hang out for 5 hours, drink, socialize, eat, watch movies, play cards and OH YEAH - GET DRUNK! Our group is comprised of myself, Wilson (who was the control subject/my designated driver so he didn't drink alcohol), three friends of the cadets and one mother of the cadets. Awesome. "Hey mom, will you come get drunk for me?"

Of course, it's a controlled environment - first you sign a waiver. "Yes, I know I will be consuming alcohol." "Yes, I know I will be performing various tasks while intoxicated." "No, I will not drive." "No, I will not hit on the cadets..." Well, I added that last one because well, it's me, for one, and it's alcohol, for two and Wilson is there, for three.

Second you get weighed. This is where I take the opportunity to fall off the scale. Yes, I put one foot on the scale too close to the edge, it tipped up, I stumbled off. I didn't end up on the floor, but it did result in me saying, "No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight." Your weight will determine how much you will consume that night, so I'm either in big trouble or I'm going to have a boring night.

Part #3 then involves you blowing into a BAC machine. This is where I redeem myself! I can prove there is no alcohol in my system! Until I try and open my "party favor" (AKA a plastic mouth piece to blow in the machine) and it flies across the room!

No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight. I blow a .000! Redemption!! Except now everyone is just looking at me like I'm a biiiiiig Re-Re.

Next comes the part where we get to drink!

"What will you have sir?"

"Well, you're the most polite bartender I've ever encountered."

[Internal monologue: Quit hitting on the officers!]

So I choose to drink Jim Beam and Coke. My other options were Sprite, Orange Juice, Water and on the alcohol side we had Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and Tequila. I was really hoping someone would go for tequila. Maybe someone would puke! But no, everyone punked out.

So I get my drink and proceed to trip over my own shoe. I don't fall, but again - No officer, I only have a drink in my hand, I have not had anything to drink.

So the rules are: 2 drinks in 1 hour. Then we get to have some munchies and then we have 2 more drinks in 45 minutes. Our time begins - start drinking!

Drink.
Drink.
Drink.

I immediately begin walking better. What does this say about me?

I also broke the seal waaaay too early.

We take a BAC reading again after two drinks, then again after 4. After the 4th drink they take us out to the hallway where a series of cadets will perform their sobriety tests.

Sir please follow my finger with your eyes and your eyes only.

Sir, your eyes only.

Sir, don't move your head.

Sir, keep your head still.

OK, moving on. Sir please place your the heel of your right foot in front of the toe of your left foot. You're going to walk a straight line for nine steps, turn around and walk nine back. Please keep your hands at your side at all times. Do you understand?

Nine steps, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.

Yes! I did it. Oh, I was supposed to keep my hands at my side? Hrmph.

OK, sir, next you will be lifting one foot off the ground about six inches. Keeping your foot parallel to the ground count in this fashion, "One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, and so-on." Please keep your hands at your side at al times. Do you understand?

Six inches, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four...Sir, your arms.
Five...

Yeah, sir, you're arrested.

We proceed to repeat the exercises three more times with different cadets, each time I fail worse than before!

After that learning experience we go into the classroom with the cadets assess whether or not they would arrest us, we learn our BACs and the cadets get a good laugh because, come on, we're still drunky drunks making jokes in the back of the classroom.

Turns out my highest BAC was a .062 and while that is below the legal limit for intoxication in Texas, I still would have been arrested because (surprise, surprise) I like to flail my arms about while performing simple movement tasks.

Overall, it was a positive learning experience. The cadets got to practice their field sobriety tests in a close to real life experience (it's actually quite challenging to administer these tests to someone who is more interested in how shiny someone's boots are), they learned more about body weight and alcohol consumption and HELLO - I got free drinks and doritos.

Here's my PSA moment - please volunteer to assist your local PD or Sheriff's office with these exercises. It's your tax money buying the drinks. It's valuable experience for the cadets and helps them get Drunky McDrunkerson off the roads. Even if you don't drink, you can volunteer - it's also valuable for them to train on sober individuals (yes, sometimes sober drivers get pulled over). Miraculously enough, they usually have trouble finding volunteers.

For those of you in the El Paso area, the El Paso Police Department will be conducting their Field Sobriety Training on Saturday, August 16th. Contact me if you want to participate.

The end.