Where Do I Get in Line?!

Brian: Hey Jeff, would you like me to toss your salad?

Overheard at the Olive Garden.

There's Still the Matter of That Pie in the Fridge

It’s Sunday evening and the weekend of sloth is about to come to an end. Soon it will be Monday and my stomach will be sad because I will no longer have meals that consist entirely of Pepperidge Farms cookies! You think I am kidding, but here is a list of things I ate this weekend, we’ll start with Friday night because, well, who am I kidding, my brain goes on weekend at 2:30 on Friday why shouldn’t my stomach?

Friday night: Relay for Life – a proud night for a glutton. First off, I didn’t register to participate, but was easily convinced by Tricia to go and watch. “Watch a bunch of people walk around a track to support cancer? Meh.” “There’s free food.” “Okay!” So I go, and much to my chagrin you have to pay $5, but it’s all you can eat! I decide to wait until I’m really hungry. And by “really hungry” I mean “until Tricia gets up to go get food and ask her to bring me something.” Eventually, one of our co-workers leaves and gives me her $5-all-you-can-eat-all-money-goes-to-cancer-research wristband and I get to eat! All I can! For free! So I have a hamburger! And a hot dog! And another hamburger! All in about 45 minute span. It’s a proud night for a glutton. And cheap bastards.

Saturday I woke up and ate 4 pieces of toast with butter. Then I went to visit Wilson at his mom’s. Since it was around lunchtime and I was going to be in the car I figured what could be better to eat than … gas station lunch! So I had a bag of cracker and cheddar cheese combos and – GASP! – the Foodstop is out of Diet Mountain Dew! WTF? DMD is a driving necessity! How else am I to belt out Kelly Clarkson songs while barreling down the highway at 80 mph without the caffeine boost that only a DMD can provide?! I settle for a Diet Dr Pepper because, well, it tastes more like regular Dr Pepper. (P.S. I’m a commercial monkey).

Once I get to Wilson’s mom’s house I’m greeted by the neighbor with a bag of cookies! Hell yeah, it’s time for dessert, I say! So I eat two cookies. While at Wilson’s we work on the neighbor’s boat … hmm, cookies first, then work – what a tricky lady! But it’s worth it cause A) the cookies were good, B) it’s a beautiful day and C) I get to spend time with Wils. So we’re painting and drilling and here comes the cookie neighbor with what? More cookies! Yum. After paining and drilling and cookies we take a nap. We awaken to Wilson’s mom with hot dogs! After an hour drive home I come home and eat a bag of Lime and Red Chile Tostito’s. I’d never heard of them, but I found the bag in the house so I ate them. They were pretty tasty!

On Sunday we didn’t wake up until around 11 and I finish off the rest of those Tostito’s for breakfast. For lunch I have a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. For dinner we try to fix last Sunday’s Chicken Fried Steak disaster by making … Chicken Fried Steak again! We tried a different biscuit recipe and after a successful taste test (read: 5 biscuits later) we then fry up the steaks. Mmmm beef fried in butter and oil?! Please sir, can I have some more? No! You’ve eaten too many biscuits and physically cannot intake anymore food!

Which is where I sit now. Bloated. Staring at a plate of uneaten biscuits smothered in gravy. Oh yeah, did I mention that the steak was smothered in gravy? Yeah … so, in summary – cookies, combos, hot dogs hamburgers, chips, biscuits and fried beef … oh mama, my trainer should have never gone on vacation.