I'm Bringing Sexy Back ... in 5-7 Days

I have pink eye. I need a haircut. I just ate my own weight in Christmas Eve cheese and crackers and chex mix and macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and green beans. Needless to say, I'm not the sexy beast I once was.

But who cares because it's Christmas Eve!! This will be short post because it's almost time for bed and Santa will be making his way to Wilson's Mom's house (where we're spending the holiday) and I've already been naughty enough this year, I don't need to push my luck by staying up late.

Blessings to all, and to all a good night!!

Miracle on 30-poopth St.

So this morning I woke up in a foul mood. I don't know why, I was just a bitter little man this morning. Nothing suited me - I was like Goldilocks - I wasn't happy with my toothbrush, the water just wouldn't get warm enough in the shower and even though I looked hott, I just didn't like what I was wearing. Wah, right? It's all about perspective, really ...

So I was walking to work and as I turned the corner at Baker Library I saw a huge dog taking a dump on the lawn. Its owner was standing nearby, waiting patiently holding on to the leash. I thought, "Great, what a fan-fucking-tastic morning!" But then something miraculous happened. Something I was not prepared for - visually or emotionally. The woman pulled out of her pocket ... wait for it ... a plastic bag! And she scooped up her pooch's poop! And then threw the little baggie in the trash!

It was a Festivus Miracle!

Let me tell you, if you're ever in a bad mood, watching someone pick up dog shit, might just do the trick. Trust me.

A Yule Blog

Oh ho ho ho ho ho, I ate so much pot roast for dinner.

So, let me tell you how bitched up I am about shopping at the mall. Civilization has deteriorated (and yes, I had to spell check that word) into a completely self-absorbed capitalistic power shopper and it is no wonder that Time magazine had to name "you" as a computer aided being Person of the Year and not the "You" that stood in line at Gap whilst her 3 year old screamed at the top of her lungs.

Seriously, though, it is no wonder I shop online these days. Our society ills me. I do have to say, though, that the people working the registers at Victoria's Secret were fun. They were trying to sell this lip enhancer thing at the counter and I picked it up and looked at it with my queer eye (and in this case, queer refers to the "odd" definition and not the "homo" one) and the woman goes, "I know ... like I need my lips any bigger" and then she puffed them out. Then I replied, "would it be the same thing as if I ate a banana, I'm allergic to those and swell up." She laughed.

Okay, so not the most witty of repartee, but amusing nonetheless.

So, Christmas is here, and I for one, am reclaiming my "Christianity" and greeting people with Merry Christmas (should the occasion warrant a holiday greeting). I'm done with Happy Holidays and Chrismahannakwanzakuh and being politically correct. In honor of a) my identity and b) separation of church and state (and hence any politically correct brainwashing) I'm saying Merry Christmas.

So Merry Christmas. Bitches.