The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American v2

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

My Night Getting Drunk With El Paso County Sheriff's Deputy Recruits (Or A Community Service Opportunity I Never Knew Existed)

So around noon time on Saturday Wilson came home and told me he needed to go to the Law Enforcement Annex to get drunk.

Verbally, I was like - "Cool."

Mentally, I was like - "WTF?"

My mental state soon caught up with my verbal state - "What the fuck?!"

So it turns out, when police academy cadets get to the portion of their course that involves sobriety tests, the El Paso County Sheriff's department prefers their cadets to experience the real thing (without the driving part). The county looks for volunteers to hang out for 5 hours, drink, socialize, eat, watch movies, play cards and OH YEAH - GET DRUNK! Our group is comprised of myself, Wilson (who was the control subject/my designated driver so he didn't drink alcohol), three friends of the cadets and one mother of the cadets. Awesome. "Hey mom, will you come get drunk for me?"

Of course, it's a controlled environment - first you sign a waiver. "Yes, I know I will be consuming alcohol." "Yes, I know I will be performing various tasks while intoxicated." "No, I will not drive." "No, I will not hit on the cadets..." Well, I added that last one because well, it's me, for one, and it's alcohol, for two and Wilson is there, for three.

Second you get weighed. This is where I take the opportunity to fall off the scale. Yes, I put one foot on the scale too close to the edge, it tipped up, I stumbled off. I didn't end up on the floor, but it did result in me saying, "No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight." Your weight will determine how much you will consume that night, so I'm either in big trouble or I'm going to have a boring night.

Part #3 then involves you blowing into a BAC machine. This is where I redeem myself! I can prove there is no alcohol in my system! Until I try and open my "party favor" (AKA a plastic mouth piece to blow in the machine) and it flies across the room!

No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight. I blow a .000! Redemption!! Except now everyone is just looking at me like I'm a biiiiiig Re-Re.

Next comes the part where we get to drink!

"What will you have sir?"

"Well, you're the most polite bartender I've ever encountered."

[Internal monologue: Quit hitting on the officers!]

So I choose to drink Jim Beam and Coke. My other options were Sprite, Orange Juice, Water and on the alcohol side we had Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and Tequila. I was really hoping someone would go for tequila. Maybe someone would puke! But no, everyone punked out.

So I get my drink and proceed to trip over my own shoe. I don't fall, but again - No officer, I only have a drink in my hand, I have not had anything to drink.

So the rules are: 2 drinks in 1 hour. Then we get to have some munchies and then we have 2 more drinks in 45 minutes. Our time begins - start drinking!

Drink.
Drink.
Drink.

I immediately begin walking better. What does this say about me?

I also broke the seal waaaay too early.

We take a BAC reading again after two drinks, then again after 4. After the 4th drink they take us out to the hallway where a series of cadets will perform their sobriety tests.

Sir please follow my finger with your eyes and your eyes only.

Sir, your eyes only.

Sir, don't move your head.

Sir, keep your head still.

OK, moving on. Sir please place your the heel of your right foot in front of the toe of your left foot. You're going to walk a straight line for nine steps, turn around and walk nine back. Please keep your hands at your side at all times. Do you understand?

Nine steps, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.

Yes! I did it. Oh, I was supposed to keep my hands at my side? Hrmph.

OK, sir, next you will be lifting one foot off the ground about six inches. Keeping your foot parallel to the ground count in this fashion, "One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, and so-on." Please keep your hands at your side at al times. Do you understand?

Six inches, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four...Sir, your arms.
Five...

Yeah, sir, you're arrested.

We proceed to repeat the exercises three more times with different cadets, each time I fail worse than before!

After that learning experience we go into the classroom with the cadets assess whether or not they would arrest us, we learn our BACs and the cadets get a good laugh because, come on, we're still drunky drunks making jokes in the back of the classroom.

Turns out my highest BAC was a .062 and while that is below the legal limit for intoxication in Texas, I still would have been arrested because (surprise, surprise) I like to flail my arms about while performing simple movement tasks.

Overall, it was a positive learning experience. The cadets got to practice their field sobriety tests in a close to real life experience (it's actually quite challenging to administer these tests to someone who is more interested in how shiny someone's boots are), they learned more about body weight and alcohol consumption and HELLO - I got free drinks and doritos.

Here's my PSA moment - please volunteer to assist your local PD or Sheriff's office with these exercises. It's your tax money buying the drinks. It's valuable experience for the cadets and helps them get Drunky McDrunkerson off the roads. Even if you don't drink, you can volunteer - it's also valuable for them to train on sober individuals (yes, sometimes sober drivers get pulled over). Miraculously enough, they usually have trouble finding volunteers.

For those of you in the El Paso area, the El Paso Police Department will be conducting their Field Sobriety Training on Saturday, August 16th. Contact me if you want to participate.

The end.