Monday, February 20, 2006

That's Fizix

I often believe that if I were born in another time and place I would be a genius. How awesome would it have been to be Isaac Newton? I mean basically, he made observations and then wrote them down and then said then in rightfully fanciful verbiage. Really, did he do anything that anyone else couldn’t have done? I mean, I can guarantee you there was some dude at a party just a few days after Newton would make one his “discoveries” saying, “Did I not just say that to you the other day? Damn I should have written that down.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, yes, Newton is a genius. I mean, first, he had the common sense to write shit down. For instance, how many times have you been up late at night only to stumble across a commercial advertising, say, Doggy Steps and thought “I could have invented that! In fact, I’m sure I said something to someone sometime about how cruel it was to have a dog jump onto a bed, or how absurd it would be to, god forbid, pick it up!”

Secondly (and I use “secondly” knowing full well that my grad school advisor Dr. John Mueller is about to go into a tizzy and deduct 3 princess points) – secondly, he possessed a lexicon that made him seem smart and he used it well. I mean come on, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction?” How many drunk ass bastards are out there who not only proved that over and over but probably said just as much before, “Hell no, bitch, I can’t take a shot of Jaeger cause that shit makes me boot.” What’s the difference? Okay, so it’s not as elegant, but it gets the point across – For every action (shot of Jaeger) there is an equal and opposite reaction (boot). And furthermore, as you increase said action (more shots of Jaeger) there is indeed an equal and opposite reaction (more boot.)

So yes, Newton was a genius. But had he existed at the time, I don’t think there’s anything Newton didn’t teach that you couldn’t learn on say … Maury Povich. Let’s take Newton’s first law of Motion: “An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” This could easily be observed on any episode of Maury, especially any episode involving a paternity test. Witness:

An object at rest (Baby Mama) tends to stay at rest and an object in motion (Baby Daddy) tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction (away from said Baby Mama) unless acted upon by an unbalanced force (Maury Povich).

I really don’t know what my point was, at all, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I like television and I’m tired of people telling me that TV rots your brain. I don’t know, maybe, next time someone gets on me for watching Maury I can say, “Shut up bitch, I’m learning physics.”

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love the blog, Daniel! You & Wilson and Meg & me will have to double soon...what say you??

zorknapp said...

Points are never really necessary in blogs... If there's one, that's great, but no worries if they're absent. And Newton, I can see thinking up that stuff, but Einstein, I'm not so sure...