The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American v2

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

My Night Getting Drunk With El Paso County Sheriff's Deputy Recruits (Or A Community Service Opportunity I Never Knew Existed)

So around noon time on Saturday Wilson came home and told me he needed to go to the Law Enforcement Annex to get drunk.

Verbally, I was like - "Cool."

Mentally, I was like - "WTF?"

My mental state soon caught up with my verbal state - "What the fuck?!"

So it turns out, when police academy cadets get to the portion of their course that involves sobriety tests, the El Paso County Sheriff's department prefers their cadets to experience the real thing (without the driving part). The county looks for volunteers to hang out for 5 hours, drink, socialize, eat, watch movies, play cards and OH YEAH - GET DRUNK! Our group is comprised of myself, Wilson (who was the control subject/my designated driver so he didn't drink alcohol), three friends of the cadets and one mother of the cadets. Awesome. "Hey mom, will you come get drunk for me?"

Of course, it's a controlled environment - first you sign a waiver. "Yes, I know I will be consuming alcohol." "Yes, I know I will be performing various tasks while intoxicated." "No, I will not drive." "No, I will not hit on the cadets..." Well, I added that last one because well, it's me, for one, and it's alcohol, for two and Wilson is there, for three.

Second you get weighed. This is where I take the opportunity to fall off the scale. Yes, I put one foot on the scale too close to the edge, it tipped up, I stumbled off. I didn't end up on the floor, but it did result in me saying, "No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight." Your weight will determine how much you will consume that night, so I'm either in big trouble or I'm going to have a boring night.

Part #3 then involves you blowing into a BAC machine. This is where I redeem myself! I can prove there is no alcohol in my system! Until I try and open my "party favor" (AKA a plastic mouth piece to blow in the machine) and it flies across the room!

No officer, I have not had anything to drink tonight. I blow a .000! Redemption!! Except now everyone is just looking at me like I'm a biiiiiig Re-Re.

Next comes the part where we get to drink!

"What will you have sir?"

"Well, you're the most polite bartender I've ever encountered."

[Internal monologue: Quit hitting on the officers!]

So I choose to drink Jim Beam and Coke. My other options were Sprite, Orange Juice, Water and on the alcohol side we had Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and Tequila. I was really hoping someone would go for tequila. Maybe someone would puke! But no, everyone punked out.

So I get my drink and proceed to trip over my own shoe. I don't fall, but again - No officer, I only have a drink in my hand, I have not had anything to drink.

So the rules are: 2 drinks in 1 hour. Then we get to have some munchies and then we have 2 more drinks in 45 minutes. Our time begins - start drinking!

Drink.
Drink.
Drink.

I immediately begin walking better. What does this say about me?

I also broke the seal waaaay too early.

We take a BAC reading again after two drinks, then again after 4. After the 4th drink they take us out to the hallway where a series of cadets will perform their sobriety tests.

Sir please follow my finger with your eyes and your eyes only.

Sir, your eyes only.

Sir, don't move your head.

Sir, keep your head still.

OK, moving on. Sir please place your the heel of your right foot in front of the toe of your left foot. You're going to walk a straight line for nine steps, turn around and walk nine back. Please keep your hands at your side at all times. Do you understand?

Nine steps, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.

Yes! I did it. Oh, I was supposed to keep my hands at my side? Hrmph.

OK, sir, next you will be lifting one foot off the ground about six inches. Keeping your foot parallel to the ground count in this fashion, "One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, and so-on." Please keep your hands at your side at al times. Do you understand?

Six inches, yes!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four...Sir, your arms.
Five...

Yeah, sir, you're arrested.

We proceed to repeat the exercises three more times with different cadets, each time I fail worse than before!

After that learning experience we go into the classroom with the cadets assess whether or not they would arrest us, we learn our BACs and the cadets get a good laugh because, come on, we're still drunky drunks making jokes in the back of the classroom.

Turns out my highest BAC was a .062 and while that is below the legal limit for intoxication in Texas, I still would have been arrested because (surprise, surprise) I like to flail my arms about while performing simple movement tasks.

Overall, it was a positive learning experience. The cadets got to practice their field sobriety tests in a close to real life experience (it's actually quite challenging to administer these tests to someone who is more interested in how shiny someone's boots are), they learned more about body weight and alcohol consumption and HELLO - I got free drinks and doritos.

Here's my PSA moment - please volunteer to assist your local PD or Sheriff's office with these exercises. It's your tax money buying the drinks. It's valuable experience for the cadets and helps them get Drunky McDrunkerson off the roads. Even if you don't drink, you can volunteer - it's also valuable for them to train on sober individuals (yes, sometimes sober drivers get pulled over). Miraculously enough, they usually have trouble finding volunteers.

For those of you in the El Paso area, the El Paso Police Department will be conducting their Field Sobriety Training on Saturday, August 16th. Contact me if you want to participate.

The end.

Now, That's What I Call Advising

Daniel: So, I told the student, come back to my office and we can talk about what you can do with a specific major.

Lizzette (obsessed with military men): I'll show you what you can do with a Major.

Overheard at lunch.

The Restraining Order is On Its Way

Melissa intently sending herself a text on Daniel's phone.

[2 seconds pass]

Melissa's phone notifies here she has a text message.

Melissa reading text message with look of disgust on her face: Oh my God, Daniel, quit texting me!

Overheard in Rosie's living room.

Triage Me Now!

Saturday morning: I stub my left pinky toe on the foot of the bed. I curse (as per usual) and proceed to go about my day.

Later Saturday morning: Bruno, the lug, that he is, in a fit to see what I am looking at through the window, tromps (if that's not a word, I don't care, it is apropos) on the toe I stubbed on the foot of the bed Saturday morning.

Saturday midday: Wilson and I meet Mike at PetSmart on Yarbrough to look at a dog we might adopt.

Later Saturday midday: Wilson and I and Mike go to the Animal Control Center because the dogs at PetSmart were not what we were looking for. We find a cute little Shepherd/Hound mix.

Saturday afternoon: Wilson and I and Mike go to the PetSmart on the West Side to see if they have any puppies. No puppies there so we decide to go eat at Super China Buffet.

Later Saturday afternoon: Wilson and I and Mike go back to the Animal Control Center to adopt the cute little Shepherd/Hound mix.

Early Saturday evening: Wilson and I and Mike go back to the house in Horizon City where I take off my shoe. My toe is about double its original size and the color of a ripe cherry. I decided that I should probably remove my toe ring.

Saturday night: We decide to take me to Hospital to see if my toe is broken as I'm finding ever more difficult to walk and can't bend my toe.

Later Saturday night: We're at the hospital.

Later later Saturday night: We're still at the hospital.

Early Sunday morning: We're still at the hospital.

Later early Sunday morning; I finally get to an exam room.

Slightly later early Sunday morning: I get up to go pee.

30 seconds later than slightly later early Sunday morning: The doctor comes to my exam room.

20 minutes after the 30 seconds later than slightly later early Sunday morning: The doctor comes to my room to tell me that my toe isn't broken, I should stay off of it and gives me a prescription for Vicodin.

15 minutes after that, I pay my $100 copay and am wheeled out of the hospital (Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!)

2:30 A.M. I scarf down a #6 combo from Wendy's and go to bed.

All in all, I guess it's a good thing that I got it checked out. I got to go to the brand spanking new hospital in El Paso and can now tell people that the service there sucks.

Waxing Nostailgic

In an effort to avoid A) the 104 degree temperature outside and the B) oppressive pile of laundry I'm choosing to ignore, I decided to reactivate my Facebook account.

To be honest, I got the Facebook bug when I had lunch with my dear friend Angie on Wednesday. Or Thursday. I totally don't remember when it was. I do remember I enjoyed our time thoroughly and I had a yummy pizza at Ardovino's. Flash forward to Sunday and here I am, writing a blog about how I just reactivated my Facebook account. I thought I would have to start from scratch but when I tried to create a new account I was reminded, in a quick flash of "nothing dies on the internet," that my old profile was archived and I could reactivate it. I did and was greeted with my old page (cosmetically new) but right where I left it. It was an eery culturally anthropological view into my life in 2006. I was at Dartmouth, I was 28 and according to the umpteen "Happy Birthday" wishes on my wall, I had just had a birthday.

Either way it was just a weird thing to experience on a random Sunday in June. I'm looking forward to all the time I don't have but will spend catching up on stalking everyone with whom I used to be familiar and then feeling satisfied that I have a current relationship with those people based on the fact that I read their news feed.

Happy Summer, bitches!

The Things I Do That Make Me Feel Like an Idiot American

In which I can't believe (nor take back the fact) that this was the first news story I chose to read today.

And Darling, It Looks Fabulous!

Daniel talking intently with Kevin: Really?

Melissa: Hey! I'm part of this conversation too!

Daniel: But he's prettier.

Melissa: But, I cut my hair...

Overheard in Rosie's kitchen.

Our Hypocritical Country

In this episode:

The wonderment surrounding why this endorement didn't rock the boat:

McCain Receives Hagee Endorsement

Yet, these consume the media for days:

Louis Farrakhan backs Obama...
What Should Obama Do About Wright?
Geraldine Ferraro Let's Her Emotions Do the Talking

Is it just the news I'm watching? Clue me in, please!

Our Hypocritical Country

In this episode:

Why this is illegal and blasted to the front of the news for almost a week:

Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring (From March 10)

Yet, this is kept legal, practiced and essentially ignored:

Bush vetoes bill banning waterboarding (From March 8)

Discuss.

Random Ass Wednesdays v4

Yeah. It's March.

Location: 31° 40' 24.7512" N, -106° 11' 2.8968" W

The Web Week That Was v3

Fire Be Damned, I Want My Chico's! -El Paso Times
Sir, You May Have an Alcohol Problem -Las Cruces Sun-News
He Heard There Were No DUI Checkpoints on the Train -Dlisted (via Towleroad)
Some of Barack Obama's Congressional Accomplishments. In Brief -YouTube

At Least You Can Stand By Your Decision

Ann-Marie: Are you an Obama or Clinton supporter?

Steve: Well, I don't really care as long as one of them wins. But I think I'm more aligned with Obama.

Ann-Marie: Why?

Steve: For the most inappropriate reasons. I think he's charismatic and can inspire people. But I know he has shit for experience.

Overheard in Ann-Marie's Office.

McCain Pulls a John Edwards, Shouts "Look at Me! Look at Me!"

I've become too cynical regarding politics, I believe.

The New York Times posted a story dated February 21, 2008 regarding possible inproprieties Senator and Presidential hopeful John McCain had with lobbyist Vicki Iseman.

My take:

A) The New York Times already endorsed McCain, they don't really have that strong an interest in dragging his name through the mud.

B) The beginnings of this story started way back in December, prior to the Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primaries. Very interesting that the big blow up didn't happen until after McCain was the true front-runner for the GOP's nomination.

C) Since McCain's status as front-runner has been sealed, he's been receiving a lot less press than his Democratic colleagues. And is it not fishy (if not just a little interesting) that this story breaks on the day of what could be the most important Democratic debate?

I would not think twice if I heard that McCain's camp is just a little bit more responsible for pushing the NYT into publishing this today - considering that now that it has, his face has been plastered on a lot more websites and newsprograms.

Random Ass Wednesdays v3

Location: 31° 39' 7.4154" N, -106° 16' 2.28" W

That Pie Chart Sure is Purty

On Monday, the El Paso Times ran a story with the headline "Richard Wiles preferred heavily in race for sheriff." The story led off with this graphic:


Isn't it a pretty picture?! Riddle me this - what does the fine print say? Click here if you can't read it. Here's a summary: 350 likely voters were polled with a +/- 5.5%. Here's what I have to say about that -

1. The 2006 population (estimated) of El Paso county is 736,310. Simple math shows the sample size for this poll was only 0.05% of the entire county.

2. Plus/Minus 5.5% - You've gotta be kidding me!

3. The Reuel Group (the firm responsible for administering the poll) allows users the option of creating customized voter lists, totally negating any type of "random" sample that may occur. Or at least throwing the concept of "random sampling" into a realm open to criticism. And, while I cannot confirm, it is rumored that the group themselves have publicly endorsed Wiles. That stench you smell is what I like to call "conflict of interest."

4. Does anyone else see a problem in polling likely voters as opposed to registered voters? Here's why they have to print it that way - you see, these polls are conducted via automated telephone calls (you know, the type that say "To elect a douchebag, press 1. To come to your senses, press 2.") Yeah, my 2 year old cousin can pick up a phone and press numbers. The methodology also causes one to ask, "Which candidate did they chose to be option 1?"

5. In the body of the story, the Times reports that if you removed the percentage of voters who chose "Don't Know" Wiles would have the support of 56% of the remaining people polled. Do you want to know what that math equals? 145 people which equals 0.02% of the county population. I wouldn't necessarily brag about that.

Let this be a lesson to you folks - pretty pictures don't necessarily make the best things on which to base your opinions. Unless you want to trust a second rate news source. And then you have to remember - you get what you pay for.

In Dreamland v15

i was a prince in an arranged marriage. as soon as i was crowned king a group attacked the castle. my father (not my real father), the former king would have nothing to do with it so i had to assemble a group of 14 knights to defend the castle.

"Liars Figure, Figures Lie"

A report in the El Paso Times Sunday reports that overall crime rates in El Paso are down. I'll let you read the article and discern what you wish.

I'll tell you this though (it's a little bit of logic, so turn your brain on): If the EPPD is currently down by a reported 300 officers, wouldn't it stand to prove that there are less officers to take reports resulting in less crimes being reported?

Again, the transitive property rears its ugly head.

The Web Week That Was v2

Partnership Benefits Legislation Tabled -Las Cruces Sun-News
The Potomac Has Spoken -CNN
Larry Craig Get's a Stern Talkin' To -CNN
Good-bye, Monica Seles -ESPN
Potential Presidential Pardon for Clemens? -Sports Illustrated
Priest Confirmed to be HIV+ -El Paso Times

Lesbians 2, Cops/Soldiers/Firefighters -5.5

Last night Wilson's keys got locked in his truck. While it was running. At the 7-Eleven.

The clerk called the Fire Department telling us they would jimmy the door open since the truck was running. We called and then proceeded to try to open it ourselves.

An hour, a wire hanger, two store clerks, a security guard, two random passersby, and one cop with the magic device later we managed to open the door. The cop was merely there to provide the tools as the security guard was the one who actually opened the door.

The best part about the whole situation was after we were done we thanked the security guard (who was off duty and just wanted a coke from the store). She replied, "I always stop to help family."

Oh, and as we were pulling out, the fire department showed up.

I heard this song on my way home and had a major 80s flashback. It has nothing to do with anything that happened but made me happy: